Monday, March 19, 2007

The Life of a Baseball Player's Mom

~~was cleaning out some email this morning and ran across this from my mom around last Mother's Day - there are so many I could add~~

I used to have a normal life. (Actually, my friends and family say the sentence should say, "I used to have a life, period".) It doesn't really seem all that long ago...Then I became the mother of two baseball players.

I used to think anything over $40 was an exorbitant price for a baseball bat and say things like, "I'm never paying that much for a glove!" Now the contents of my son's equipment bag are worth more than everything else in the house.

I used to work 8-5 and think I was over-worked and under-paid. Then I quit work so my children could have a full time maid, nanny, and chauffer and now I often think 8-5 wasn't so bad. Now my husband is the sole bread winner in the family. (You have to keep a good paycheck coming in if you want to support a baseball habit!)

I used to look for little restaraunts that served seafood fresh off the boat. Now I'm a connoisseur of nachos and hot dogs and rate a city by the quality of their baseball fields' concession stand!

Sunflower seeds used to be something I would see at a store and think "Who eats those things?" Now I know who eats them because they're everywhere! In every pants pocket, in the washing machine, all over the car.....

My lawn used to be like carpet. I had plants and pretty flowers in the yard and in pots. The grass was green and mowed. Now I have bare spots 50 feet apart, artificial plants and flowers, and dents in every thing around the house that can't move out of the way of a fastball!!

My car used to draw admiring looks. It was clean, waxed, and shiny. Now it only draws attention when it wins the "dirtiest car" prize and the kids write "Wash Me" in the rear glass. After we load the bat bag, the lawn chairs, the umbrellas (just in case it rains), the blankets (it gets cool when the sun goes down), the coolers, and the water bottles, there's barely room for us.

I used to have a 2-car garage. Now I have a covered batting area, poles to wrap the hit-away around, and I'm lucky if I can fit the front of my Odyssey in at least far enough to keep the front seat in the shade or me from getting wet when I get out. If I can get out, I get to climb over whatever ball equipment, hitting machine, ball bag, and/or cleats are stored in the garage to keep them from getting wet.

My friends and I used to spend time talking about the new outfit we bought or movie we had just seen. Now I bore them to death with detailed play-by-play descriptions of five or six ball games.

My summer wardrobe used to consist of breezy little sun dresses in bright colors, strappy little sandals, and the occasional frilly shirt. Now I have a closet full of the coolest, thinnest shirts I can wear without being arrested, the most comfortable shoes I can find, and T-shirts that have baseball team names on the front.

We used to spend our summer vacation relaxing on the beach. Now I have no vacation. We hit the road with other parents in a caravan that could rival some small town parades.

I used to be concerned that I would fall into the trap of living my life through my children. Now I know that I'm priveleged to live my life WITH my children. Yes, I'm a Baseball Mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything! Of course in July when it's 100 degrees in the shade, REMIND ME OF THAT!!

Here's to our kids and baseball!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Tidbits?

The title is intended to mean that I have a whole bunch of short thoughts running around in my brain this morning – we’ll see how short I keep them, eh?

My friend, not knowing that I have written a big nasty terrible rant about school administrators and police – made the most profound comment to me yesterday. It isn’t our job to protect our children from everything; it is to prepare our children to be adults. OMG WOW! She is so absolutely correct, I’m going to use that all the time now – It absolutely conveys my feelings, I just never knew the words before.

If you haven’t been back to the hotty list at Very Soxy – you really must visit again, she has it updated and damn, what a way to take the morning coffee out of the equation for a nice wake up.

I like Mary Roach – she writes a short little humorous (usually humorous) article for Reader’s Digest every month. She’s sort of a modern day Erma Bombeck, and I like her self-deprecating (and hubby deprecating – can you deprecate someone else?) style. Well today I got to her article in this months edition (okay… it might be this month’s, it might be last month’s, it might be next month’s – it’s the one on the back of the toilet in our house for the current month) and it was a tremendous let down. It wasn’t funny, had a lot of potential, some good jumping off places – but no follow through. And she totally left me hanging – it was like a dropped cell phone call… I flipped furiously through the following 14 pages of pharmaceutical ad and all the fine print that goes with to confirm that the little red box at the end really did indicate that she left me hanging.

Being Orange in a green world – yes today is the wearin o’ the green – and Denver has one of the biggest celebrations around – which usually inspires me to a silly display of greenness and a fake brogue for the entire day – but I ALWAYS wear a bit of orange to honor my Irish relatives (who did NOT absolutely did NOT celebrate this Catholic holiday). They were Orangemen, and I always feel the need to wear orange just to make it clear to ME that I am not betraying my heritage or something. They probably would still see drinking green beer and running around saying Top O’ the Mornin’ to Ya’ as a betrayal, but I do my part.

Speaking of Green – (and I hesitate to do this, lest there be a shortage – it has happened before believe me) – March is fabulous, and you know why – because there are Shamrock Shakes! Let me wander around and preface and frame and all that I do to make a short short comment into a big long story – because this is my blog, and that’s me –so pffft! When we moved to our current home, my husband loved to tell people that we were within 15 minutes of 9 (I think it was nine, and I don’t feel like counting) golf courses (ha! They also have green, weird irony there). Well for purposes of this story let me tell you that we are also within 15 minutes of at least 11 McDonald’s – not ordinarily something anyone in their right mind would give a damn about, but… when they begin to run dry of Shamrock Shake syrup, or their shake machines break down, it becomes critical. And we have driven a full 30 minutes away to find a shamrock shake on the 17th, because it is that important. We begin (the kids and I, hubby still prefers chocolate, poor misguided man) on about February 25th to seek them, we drop by McD’s and ask if they’ve got them yet – then we have them oh a couple times a week all month – eventually some of the McD’s in our area run out of the syrup or whatever it is that makes this heavenly concoction – we obviously believe that it is all due to our compulsive addiction. We will continue to try to run them dry into April, though the last two years we have had difficulty finding them anywhere even during that last week of March.

Please, if you are in our area, confine your consumption to the ordinary flavors, we cannot afford for you to use any of our syrup!

Erin Go Bragh!

~~update... upon a google search of 'shamrock shake', I find that there are markets that are without them... this is hideously unfortunate and we should all write to our congressmen to ask them to force the now trans fat free restaurants to correct this atrocity~~

Thursday, March 15, 2007

OOPS

I really wanted to say something passionately today. Something that has irritated me for several years now – irritated being the nice word. So… I typed my whole blog entry without even logging in – without checking any other blogs. And low and behold – Baseball Mom gave me a plug – called me Hellafunny. Bless her, she’s been reading longer than the last two days of ranting about things. So the folks that might wander over on her suggestion are going to find my most profane and most bitchy blog of all time probably. I would like to think I am funny some of the time, and I try to be funny a lot of the time. So… if you came here for funny, skip the next post and head right to some of the older posts…. Maybe Graham Cracker Moms or Why Must the Dog Watch Me Take a Shit? Also, keep in mind that while profanity is an enormous part of my life – I am an admitted big ole potty mouth – I don’t usually use the F word over and over in a blog entry – it is supposed to be for emphasis after all.

Speaking of the F word – why does chili always explode when you try to reheat it in the microwave? Is it the beans? Because I never find what looks like bean shrapnel in my chili or the top of the microwave. I popped a little container of leftover chili in the microwave and sat down to read some blogs. KABOOM – you know it was exploding. Took it out, stirred it, and wondered why does it blow up but gravy doesn’t? Now I have to clean that mess up – and I had covered the stupid chili with the lid upside down (you know so it couldn’t accidentally reseal itself) –but that blew off in the ensuing explosion.

Well the chili is done – and I would rather read than type while I eat. So – Au Revoir.

Can kids be kids?

“It takes a village” – apparently those in charge actually thought that meant that someone needed to step up and be the village idiot – so they all stepped up (okay nearly all).

It does take a village – let me illustrate.

Remember when you were in 5th grade (make appropriate changes to reflect your personal experience) and you stole some Benson & Hedges from your mom (maybe even bleah menthol) and snuck off to the park with friends to test them out??? Remember how none of you could even get them lit for the longest time? Between trying to light matches in the breeze/wind, which none of us were very expert at anyhow (in spite of scouts), and trying to inhale hard enough to light them, that took a good bit of time anyhow. Did you stand in the middle of the street and do this in front of G-d and every neighbor driving by on their way to the grocery store – OH HELL NO! You hid in the best place you could think of – for us it was a big drainage pipe that ran under the road to the church – we called it “the tunnel” (this was also the first place I ever got kissed – because again, we weren’t going to risk the neighbors ratting us out to our parents). Why did we hide? Because we were afraid of getting caught – you bet your ass we were. Because we knew that any adult (even a stranger) who saw us would rat us out – you bet your ass we did. Because our parents would kick our butts (figuratively) when that happened – you bet your ass they would.

Have you ratted on a neighbor kid? Have you grabbed a kid and dragged his butt home for bad behaviour and confronted his parent? I have. It ended badly. The parent was offended, they didn’t care what their kid had done, they totally took their kids side against me ‘the enemy’. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with what I was saying or my motivation for doing so. There was no way in this world that dad was going to do a damn thing about it – since I, a total stranger, was somehow implying that he should – which is apparently some sort of insult to his parenting. Was my dad insulted when the neighbor dragged my brothers home after they caught them doing something – NO – my dad probably offered Mr. Baker a beer, went to the basement with the boys, came back and had another beer with Mr. Baker and was grateful that Mr. Baker took the time to care about his boys. Did knowing that Mr. Baker had ratted on my brothers prevent me from egging his next door neighbors house (The Wells’ brothers) after they terrorized me after a football game by telling me a dead rabbit they had was my pet rabbit – YEAP. I knew Mr. Baker had good hearing and would totally drag my ass home for something like that. Did I still want to egg the Wells’ house – oh yeah.

I also remember when some girls picked a fight with my cousin when she was in Jr. High. About twenty kids showed up at my aunts door to tell on them, and since no adults were home (and I was the oldest person there), I took on the responsibility of breaking up the fight. I wasn’t very good at breaking up fights however and I pushed this girl Princess (I swear that was her name!) into a batch of cactus to get her off of my cousin. Then it was that I, a senior high student, had fought with a Jr. High student – but that wasn’t my intention and when my aunt and my mom got the story – they listened to my side also and I didn’t get in too much trouble – but I still got in some trouble, for making a bad choice.

Now let me tell you something – something I don’t want you to forget while I rant after this about what a bunch of fucking morons those in charge of kids are.

COLUMBINE WAS AN ENORMOUS TRAGEDY – WE HAVE AN ABSOLUTE RESPONSIBILITY TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO PROTECT KIDS FROM HIDEOUS VIOLENCE, TRAGEDY, PAIN, SUFFERING, ILLNESS, STRANGERS, PREDATORS, AND THEMSELVES.

I live in the same county as Columbine High school. We knew families who had children in the school that day, kids who saw things that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. We knew teachers in that building that day – teachers who were confused and thrown into a situation they never could have planned for that did everything they could to protect the students around them. This did not happen thousands of miles away from me; this did not happen to total strangers. My little brother lost friends. My minister’s son was in the cafeteria that day.

Our Sheriff’s actions and decisions were brought under such absurd scrutiny and criticism that EVERY single Police/Sheriff officer in this county is completely devoid of logic now. They have no room for judgment in any action they consider – just absolute, cut and dried, black and white rules. The same is completely true of our school district.

This reaction is NOT THE RESULT of the events of 4/20/1999. This reaction is the result of too many people wanting to blame the ‘authorities’ after 4/21/1999. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault – and Americans are totally blind to that. Sometimes it’s just a lesson. Occasionally a very profound lesson – one that we all must learn from. Should the Sheriff’s office have a plan for a school terrorism event – Damn straight. Did this plan possibly save lives in Pine last year – I would like to think so. Should the school district enact drills and teach faculty how to handle a terrorism situation – hell yeah. Have they – yes. Should the Police/Sheriff pay closer attention to kids that have the potential to commit a hideous heinous crime – maybe. (Oh your screaming at me now aren’t you – that of course they should – but… it depends, and ‘it depends’ is always the right answer). Should the schools be more alert to threats – clearly they should. Should kids who make a movie about killing fellow students be scrutinized – clearly they should. Should every student who makes a negative comment about another student or their school be suspended, reported to the police, and made to feel like Gary Gilmore. FUCK NO! Go back, read my question – “Should the Police/Sheriff pay closer attention to kids that have the potential to commit a hideous heinous crime?” Let me stress the word ‘potential’. Who determines what quantifies ‘potential’ – because apparently in Jefferson County Colorado – it’s whoever in the county has the biggest straightest firmest stick up their ass. According to school authorities – and I shit you not, this is a factual story – a student, after having served a suspension that he felt was unfair – approached the teachers who reported his behaviour and confronted them with their written statements and asked them to explain. He did this as respectfully as a 14 year-old who feels unjustly treated could do. He now faces expulsion from the entire district. You heard me, he was suspended (for not behaving maturely enough) and these geniuses (read with very heavy sarcasm) have determined that by exercising a mature approach to attempting to understand is now under even more fire. Are they trying to mold young adults who will contribute to society or are they just interested in flexing their muscles and preventing even the smallest conflict that they might be questioned about? You see growing up is full of conflicts – its absolutely normal and necessary for kids to experience conflict in order to grow up. Are fist fights okay – no. Should a normal school yard scrap be handled by the police – FUCK NO. I am very passionate about this in case you haven’t guessed. I had six brothers, none of them would be the men they are if they hadn’t had a scrape or two. Fist fights are a normal part of male development – by preventing them we are creating a monster that we won’t know what to do with. Should a fist fight be disciplined – yes. Should they be eliminated from the school yard – no. Do I encourage fighting – oh G-d no. Would I have liked for my son to kick the asses of the boys that did something awful (really really awful) in front of my daughter and her friend – oh yes, yes I would have.

Now – and you can answer in your head – how many of you played doctor? How many played doctor with a relative (cousin, sibling, etc.)? How many of you were sexually aroused by the experience? Here’s my guess on what they answers are. Everyone played doctor – a huge percentage played with a cousin/sibling. Practically none were sexually aroused. It isn’t about sex, it’s about curiosity. It isn’t about attraction – it’s about opportunity. Would anyone want to have a sexual relationship with that person – not very damn likely. Is the person you played doctor with a pervert now? A sexual predator? Are you a pervert now? A sexual predator? Again not very likely (I’m sure that if you were any of those things you would have somewhere else to surf beside my little boring corner of the blog-world). My mother was telling me about how a young man that played doctor with his foster sister (he was 14, she was 12) – just touching, nothing more – is now in prison. He was tried as an adult, he will have to register for the rest of his life, he can have no contact (for the rest of his life) with any of his female siblings. He was an eagle scout, a good student, and a good young man. Did the system fuck this up – well it certainly sounds like it.

So – it does take a village – but I sure prefer the logical/rational/reasonable 1977 village to todays bunch of overzealous, lega-phobic (my own word, read as overly afraid of lawsuits), village idiots.

Remember – Discipline comes from the latin root for ‘Teach’. Punitive comes from the latin root for ‘cause pain’. Do you think we should be teaching our youngsters or causing them pain?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

First Game - etc.

Well yesterday was the first game of the season. (Guess What, Hubby got the book from the coach for me YIPPEE). It was against my High School – so when I walked up to the field I almost sat on the wrong side – heck when I went to school there, there weren’t any bleachers on the visitors side so it really was a natural to just aim for the Home side. My son started at pitcher – you pitchers moms will understand, I was a little nervous for him, I’m not nearly as bad as some mom’s, but I’ve always kept score, and I think that gives me something to do besides fret about whether or not he has his stuff. He did, or at least he seemed to be doing alright, but… the strike zone (and I’m not just saying this cuz I’m the pitcher’s mommy) was about half the size it should have been, honestly anything within two inches of the edge of the plate, all white or not, he called a Ball… and this particular school is 5A and our school is actually 3A, but we play 4A so… they have 4 baseball teams (Varsity, JV, Sophomore, and Level III); we have two – they had only maybe 2 freshman on this JV team and they had 3 seniors – playing JV!!! – anyhow, these boys teed off on my kid a few times (I think there were 3 Grand Slams) – ouch. He threw 93 pitches right at 50% strikes – then he got pulled after he started walking some kids – I totally understand, I would have pulled him a lot sooner. The replacement, also a Freshman, didn’t fare all that much better – in fact worse – my kid allowed 1 Grand Slam, 12 runs, and I’m not sure how many hits / walks. The poor second kid threw 57 pitches (in less than a half inning), allowed two Grand Slams, and 16 runs – I don’t think he hit anyone though, and my kid hit at least two batters, maybe three – but these kids actually crowded the plate so tight that a couple of them had their toes touching it. My kid did hit a double, stole third, and scored one of the only two runs that his team scored. To top things off, after the game, they boys walked out and watched their bus being towed. My son says that gives a whole new meaning to “Warm up the Bus” after a butt-kicking like that.

On a sad note, I watched the news last night (and again this morning) – another kid died in a hideous car accident – right there by my old High School. One dead, six injured. I’m feeling really selfish about this, but I’ve buried enough kids lately – I hope to G-d it’s no one we know – I can’t bear another young persons funeral. We do know a lot of families up there, my daughters best friend lives up there (and is the same age as the dead girl, but we know it’s not her), we grew up there, we have a lot of family that still lives up there, friends that moved back and are raising their families there. My mom heard already this morning (from the guy at the gas station) that the kids were playing ‘chicken’ – how I hope that isn’t true, that would be so hard for the families to reconcile.

Hubby had to have a tooth pulled this morning – kept him up all night and when he went in the Dr. said that it was a cavity that had gone so deep it exposed the root, but the tooth was also a bit loose so not a good candidate for root canal. Will need to get a bridge later, but at least it’s not one that shows when he smiles.

Another baseball game this afternoon, against a rival school… I’m wondering about how the pitching will look. This school always fields four softball teams, so I’m supposing they will have a boatload of baseball as well.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Grandpa Henry #2 (this is actually about Grandpa Henry -I hope)

WOW! Imagine, you are sitting at a baseball field, boys are warming up, it’s a bit chilly because it’s early in the season (March in Colorado) but the sun is shining and you can smell the freshly groomed infield dirt and a bit of green things beginning to pop out of the ground around you. Setting up the chair (this is an art, different to each mom/dad, but very specific –for grins I’ll give you my routine), set the ‘snack bag’ on the bleachers, G-d forbid it is on the ground, get out the chair, near the dugout, but not too close (parents shouldn’t talk to kids in the dugout, they are there to play ball and should not be distracted by Mom), walk the fence to find that spot where you can see the plate, and all the bags and most of the outfield without obstruction from the posts that hold the screen up, set up the chair, put the bag on the ground and retrieve snack bag and purse from bleachers, set on chair bag. Tie umbrella to the side of chair with bungee cords, put cell phone, stop watch, eraser and two pencils in cup holder on left side of chair, put bottle of whatever is to drink in right hand cup holder, set coffee cup down on ground on right side (my coffee cup is one that is really really fat on bottom and then tapers up – they are for the car). Take score book from snack bag and set on seat of chair and then begin wandering around socializing and observing warm-ups. I’m new to the team, and haven’t been at many practices as husband is assistant coach on this team and there is no need for me to drive to practice as he is there anyhow. Oh look another person on our side of the fence, I think I’ll say hello. She looks like a Grandma, pull out the really nice etiquette. “Hi I’m Amy, I’m #41’s mom” – then she says “Oh hello, nice to meet you, I’m Madonna (I swear that’s not even made up to protect identity) and I’m number 7’s grandma and this is my husband (I do not even remember his name actually so let’s call him Henry)” We chatted a bit, they were doing their chair routine, directly behind the plate, not uncommon, a lot of people like to sit back there to see the pitches. I find that while I am keeping the book the coaches like me a little closer to the dugout so they can get to me more easily during the game to ask about things like pitch count or tendencies. Then some others showed up, I felt inclined to introduce myself to them also, since I hadn’t been at practices. So the game begins, gpa henry and Madonna are behind the plate, I’m in my chair on the third base side, near the dugout, and this other very cute sweet mom was next to me – she wanted me to teach her to keep score, which was sort of silly as she already had the basics, but she had heard that I kept a very detailed book and wanted some tips. Okay so I digress – big shock there.

The boys are on the field, play is going, first game of the year, there are some cobwebs to work out – for the boys, for the coaches, (for the scorekeeper), an for the umpires. Well apparently not for Gpa Henry. Grandpa Henry is back there coaching every boy on where they should be in the box, back in the box, up in the box, choke up a little, watch for the curve here, etc. AND he’s questioning the ‘blue’ on every third call or so – “Geez blue that was right at his hands” or “What do you mean strike?- that was way outside”. Questioning the blue is bad, and it sets a terrible example for the boys, and it can turn the blue against your team in a close call, etc. But the coaching the boys blew my mind, of course I’ve said things to my own kid, or even a kid that has a chronic problem late in the season – like “don’t forget to load” – or “don’t swing at the high cheese” – but usually I talk to them while they are on deck, and then only rarely. This guy was saying stuff to kids he barely knew at the first game of the year – and giving really specific advice! “Throwing heat every first pitch” stuff like that. Now top it off with the fact that he was often totally incorrect – not just his opinion was different than mine – but totally incorrect. The ball may have been a bit outside, but it’s a strike cuz the kid swung. And the pitcher has only brought heat twice the whole half inning, not every first pitch.



~~~Edited the boring part for your reading pleasure~~~


So the coach’s (I don’t know what they were thinking) gave Gpa Henry a special award at the team banquet – seriously they did. The other mom (also team mom and put the banquet together) just about lost her teeth. “Most Dedicated Fan” – to Grandpa Henry.


So I wrote a page and a half more – trying to describe Gpa Henry – and guess what – it sucked, it sucked so bad in fact that I edited myself. You had to be there is all I can say.

Grandpa Henry

My son plays competitive baseball – er that is played, I mean he still plays, and he’s still competitive – but now he plays High School ball. “Competitive Baseball” (really another stupid label that could easily be misunderstood by those ‘not in the know’) actually specifically refers to a system of grouping the varying degrees of ability of players on teams so that players play with and against other players who play at a similar level of ability.

Briefly (haha, like I’m ever brief) the lowest levels of ball are ‘Rec Leagues’ (recreational ball) – these are NOT competitive, that does not mean that the boys/(girls) that play on these teams are not competitive, that they don’t want to win, that they are lazy or otherwise sub-something or other – but recreational ball is not considered a part of ‘competitive baseball’ [this also applies to softball]. These teams are for kids to try out the sport to see if they have any aptititude or interest, they are for the kids who are busy with other stuff also and don’t have the time to commit to competitive ball, they are for the kids who need to run around, hit things with sticks, get some social interaction, maybe have an organized summer activity (and also unfortunately for a few, a place to dump kids for a quick babysit in the afternoon or the “only team I could find” for the parent who doesn’t know any better but her kid could be the next Cal Ripken).

Then there are the ‘competitive teams’ – these are split into levels – aka ‘flights’. Third Flight – usually the lowest level at which a league fields teams (in our area) is really just recreational ball with a few more tournament availabilities – in our area it isn’t even really developmental for the upper flights – actually I think it’s a way for some dad to say “my kid plays competitive ball” even though if they told his kid to ‘run home’ he might turn and leave the field and head for his own house. Second Flight, a little better, is actually in our area kind of a developmental level, kids with some potential, but not quite good enough for the top two teams play here – or some kids ‘play up’ at second flight – so if they are 10, they will play on an 11 year old second flight team, and get more playing time than they would on the first flight 10 year old team. Second flight is respectable baseball around here, often they are good games, most of the kids are really committed to improving, etc. First flight – (some parents will take advantage of the fact that you the baseball ignorant know nothing and allow you to think that ‘first’ means best – it doesn’t – this is actually the number two team) these kids are either playing first flight because their team did so poorly in Zero Flight that they moved down (like division 1 and division 2 in football) or they don’t want to play in the upper tiers at some of the tournaments cuz they always get their asses handed to them in tournaments, or their area has so many talented players that they already have one or two Zero Flight teams and these boys are almost that good but not quite. A LOT of First flight players are AS GOOD OR BETTER than Zero Flight players. Zero Flight – this is the top squad, the kids who really eat-breathe-poop baseball, and their parents do too – I have a sign in my living room – “This Family Stops for Baseball”. My son has played as many as 78 games in a single season, they have traveled all over to play, they practice as often as every day at 8 years old. The decision to put your son/daughter on a Zero Flight baseball team is a huge family decision – it should not be taken lightly it is an enormous time commitment as well as a financial decision that will affect every other child in the house. 8 year olds are known as Roberto Clemente – instead of Zero Flight – but Roberto Clemente baseball = Zero Flight. My son made the Roberto Clemente team and never looked back – there were a couple of years where we discussed that he might get a little more time on the field if he were playing first flight, but we ‘loved’ the coach, respected the coach, and my son really thought that the other players were some of his closest friends.

**wow page two and I haven’t even gotten to Gpa Henry yet**

So, my kid played Zero Flight ball for five years for the coach that we really thought a lot of – he also played 4 years of football for the same coach. AND WE LOVED THE FAMILIES ON THAT TEAM, THEY ARE SOME OF OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. But as time went by, the team evolved, the coach didn’t – so while he was a pretty decent coach when the boys were 8 and 9 and maybe 10, he began making some pretty unpleasant decisions and really truly playing favorites, or rather favorite boys to pick on – and that translated to the dugout, where if you were one of the boys that the coach picked on, you were one of the boys that the boys picked on – or maybe it went from the dugout to the coach, its hard to say – suffice it to say that my son was one that got picked on. The first year we told him to wear a thick skin and not be a weenie and don’t give them any reason to pick on you, improve your game, etc. The second year we told him, its because you are smarter than the coach and he’s intimidated by your intelligence (which was true btw) and you need to learn to shut up and do it his way even when he’s wrong or you disagree for some reason. The third year we said, hey do you want to think about changing teams next year? So… we rented a player for an out of town tournament (in New York) and the husband and I really got along well with this boys dad and mom, especially the dad, who was a coach in our area (we were actually playing out of area all those years). So that dad asked our son to play on his fall ball team, and during that time, husband became comfortable enough with him to discuss how we had been unhappy for awhile on the other team. That coach invited our son to play on his team. Then this guy, that we really liked, that our son particularly liked, had an opportunity for a HUGE promotion at work, but it would require a lot of travel and he wouldn’t have the time to coach the team – so he gave the team up to his assistant coach – just to be very clear, now that we are on coach number 3 – lets call him asswipe. So coach number two really liked our son, liked his pitching, liked his arm from the outfield (at twelve he could throw a runner out at home with a throw from right field!) etc. Asswipe never pitched him, sat him a lot, never encouraged him, talked to him like he sucked (wait isn’t this why we left that other team – the one where we actually liked the families???), played these two other kids, in fact started them, that sucked badly and were OMG so lazy – this kid that always started at first base (he was tall – not that it mattered he never even extended his elbow to reach let alone his body) would actually walk – when I say walk, I really mean, meander or wander over to the bag from the dugout – ARGH. Okay so asswipe was a disaster – it was awful – and the parents were such a bunch of arrogant stuck up snotty assed totally exclusive group – we liked TWO of them, one mom (a single mom with a really cool kid) and a dad (well his wife was okay too) of a kid that we thought we liked, but as time went on found out he was a little prick too – yes I called a kid a name, I have some choice ones for some of the other boys who picked on my kid in the dugout on team #1 also! This group of ‘christians’ barely greeted me at games, would not sit near me, to the point where if I came in and set up near them, they would get up and leave! I cuss a little under my breath at games (maybe an ‘oh shit’ for a dropped ball), I occasionally refer to how nice a beer would taste given the hot weather (rarely though, at least among this group) and I did still smoke then, so I would get up go way far from the parents and smoke (there was another couple of parents that smoked and I would try to time it so that we were smoking together, somehow it felt less obnoxious not to be alone in my dirty habit). The former team did not care if I cussed, we all drank beer together, and they forgave me my smoking because I was courteous and did it far from them. Anyhow asswipes wife and her cronies were total snots to me – let me give an example. My mother had 5 bypass surgery, during which she had ‘multiple massive bilateral strokes’ – that’s fancy talk for starving both sides of her brain of oxygen for long enough to cause severe permanent damage (oh by the way the idiot neurologist was wrong – but that’s another post). I was at the hospital day and night for quite some time – I missed 5 consecutive games – during this time people from Team number 1 were calling me ‘hows your mom’ some of them sent her cards and flowers, they were bringing food, you know – NORMAL people. When I finally dragged my ass to a game, straight from the hospital, short on rest, shorter on nutrition, and absolutely frazzled – not one of those snotty bitches said one single comforting word – again they barely acknowledged my presence. I did not go to the baseball game for comfort, or for their words – but… it stood out as a reflection of their character and made it quite easy to say to our son… hey how about a new team. Well by this time – coach #2 was unhappy with asswipe also, and his kid had been invited by coach #1 to play on their team, but coach #2 felt really badly sticking our kid with asswipe so he arranged for another coach that he had a lot of respect for to take a look at our kid. Well coach number 4 – lets call him Tony – because that’s easy to remember – Tony came and looked at our kid and he loved our kids arm, and he loved our kids height, and he loved our kids heart and dedication and he offered us a very coveted spot on his team. If only we could have played for Tony all 7 years wow that would have been such a gift to our son. Tony pitched our kid, a lot, he developed him as a corner infielder, he really gave him some great baseball lessons and training.

So today is the opening game for my son’s high school… and he is the starting pitcher. Put that in your pipe and smoke it coach #1 (who called him wild thing and wouldn’t develop his pitching), and Asswipe (who wouldn’t pitch him even though he actually knew he could pitch well).

I think I’ll tell husband to call Tony and invite him to the game. Also, the families were not the same as team number 1, but they were nice, and friendly, and we traveled together well, and some of them even drank beer! And we keep in touch, so that’s nice. (flipping the finger to asswipes wife and her cronie stuck up bitch friends)

And they were entertaining – especially Grandpa Henry.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I never owned a minivan, but...

If I did, I'm sure this would be very accurate.

hot baseball players, who can resist

Well I found a blog to check back at a few times during this coming spring, and then maybe more

CSAP and CDOT

Road Work. Interstate, main artery, on the drive to school, road work. You just cringed even more didn’t you. Well… we have these terrifically well thought out, fantastically useful, wonderful state-mandated assessment tests (read all of that with HUGE sarcasm, because they are actually NONE of the above, except state-mandated) called the CSAP. Juniors and Seniors don’t have to take them, apparently the State doesn’t give a damn if they are doing well in school or not because it’s too late to teach them the stupid ridiculous useless test anyhow.

So our school, the only closed public campus in our county, has always made the Juniors/Seniors sit around and read for hours during testing days, while the other high schools (open campuses) allow them to wander in half way through the day after the underclassmen have had their joyous appointments with their number two pencils. Well under the wisdom and guidance of some new administrators, our school determined that is was no big hackykacky if the Juniors/Seniors came to school late, like every other kid in the county – so starting this year, they get to go to school in the middle of the day on T-W-Th of this week and next. This however presents the challenge of getting my Junior, who does not yet have a drivers license, to school in the middle of the day about 20 miles away, which takes about 25 minutes one way. We have worked it out, splitting it up (though I’ve done all the driving thus far) – and then to throw a wrinkle in it – apparently Freshman also require less testing, and so they also get Thur morning off. That’s today, so I had both of the little darlings in the car with me, we allowed 30 minutes to get to school – well actually more like about 28, and we found the Road work. It took over an hour, in fact 1:05 to get to school. I love road work, I like nice roads, I think road work should be done in the middle of the day – the middle of the night is way too popular (those workers get 2.5 times pay I’ve heard) and should be reserved only for the very very very main roads – in our case I-25 right through the middle of Denver. But… on a three lane interstate, I find it a bit ludicrous that they close ALL THREE Fucking lanes of traffic at lunch time and move thousands of cars into one lane on the skinny shoulder!!! The kids of course were delighted, seems today’s schedule starts with third hour, and neither of them were at all distressed about missing part of their third hour class. So my little hour trip that I was squeezing into the middle of my work day took me nearly 1:45 – not to mention all the interruptions to my work while the darlings were home this morning bugging me – not a particularly productive day so far… so I guess I will blog – HA! Then I will work all night, ha ha.

As for CSAP’s – if a car is driving westbound at 70mph (in a 65mph zone) and it comes across a road crew moving eastbound in the westbound lanes at 2mph should they –
a. drive right off the shoulder toward the nearest bar
b. exit at the nearest exit and drive toward the nearest bar
c. drop by Chipotle and the beer store and head for the park
d. wave to all the other people in the traffic jam and accrue points for those that wave back, and stay the course until you can get to school, voice your concern over a state mandated test that accomplishes nothing but a huge bill for the school system and lost time at work for thousands of parents who have to ferry their children to a learning institution that is focused on teaching how to excel at an assessment test that determines funding for the following year which is really ironic since the schools that actually need more funding might be those that are doing poorly
Oh and just for the record – in any learned persons opinion is there anyway to objectively and equally assess essay answers?

My favorite though – when my daughter had her 8th grade assessment – she was asked this “what will schools be like in 20 years?” – she answered – “Hopefully they won’t have to take this stupid test.”

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

First Ladybug

I saw the first ladybug today. Surprisingly, it was a very large lady bug – I should really go and get a digital camera and take a picture – but we all know as soon as I do that my day will be shot with trying to edit the picture to make it look just right, that after I try downloading it, and then uploading to this site – It will be four o’clock and I will have written a blog entry that I can’t post cuz the pic isn’t done yet – and I won’t have tackled the rest of my list – which is monstrously long.

So back to the ladybug, it is just wonderful, it made my day so much brighter! The poor thing was actually drowning in the dog water outside, and I happened to let the dogs in at that moment, it was still trying to swim it’s way out – so I threw it a life preserver in the form of my index finger, and then looked around for something green to put it on – of course there was a weed in the nearby flowerbed that was green already – isn’t that nice. I had to force it off of my finger onto the ‘plant’ and then I smiled and came back inside, but I opened up all the doors and windows, and though the early ‘spring’ breeze is a bit chilly, it smells SO wonderful.

Ironically, I talked with my sister-in-law today, she told me she has a fever, I was very concerned – until she explained it was Spring Fever (clever isn’t she).

My mom and I went to Oklahoma this weekend for a family funeral, the bulbs are up and blooming there – we really enjoyed seeing them after our harsh winter here – it was also a bit nice reminiscing about my Grandfather’s widow’s letters – she would always write a very newsy letter, but it had that growing up on a farm touch with comments on the weather and what was blooming when – since two of my “grandmothers” (I say that for simplicity, not accuracy) wrote letters with that sort of information, I enjoy a letter like that – I should transcribe one sometime, people would get a real kick out of it, old fashioned letter writing – actually somewhat of an art, maybe even a lost art in these days of quicky little emails.

The funeral was very very strange for me. I lost my uncle, my mom’s baby brother. I never knew him well, not like the uncle that lives here in Colorado, but I will miss him – as my Aunt (mom’s sister) said ‘[He] was a never ending source of entertainment’ – and he truly was, he had a very easy way about him, a great contagious laugh, a wonderful warm inviting smile, and this body language that I’m not sure I can describe in words – it was precisely like my grandfather, they just sort of hung in the room like a comfortable sweater, they were loose and relaxed and it made you want to be near them, talking with them, laughing with them. What was strange for me, was that there is no one left in Oklahoma now – I didn’t realize what a silly strange connection I had with a place I’ve only been a few times in my life – and not for nearly 30 years before this weekend. I totally connected it with my grandfather, really my only grandparent that ever acted anything like a grandparent, and not at all as other peoples’ grandparents. I was cursed/blessed with a bizarre flock of eccentrics for grandparents. It occurred to me that I put a lot more stock in the relationship with those relatives than they did with me – and it occurred to me that I miss the connection that I felt, that never fully existed as much as I miss any person. Don’t misunderstand, they are kind and affectionate, but they are a ‘step’ family – my grandparents divorced, and grandpa remarried and had two more children – so it was my mother’s half-brother that passed away, and her half-sister that somewhat hostessed us all weekend. Grandpa’s widow, who I called ‘Grandma’ when I was very young, on my last visit to Oklahoma – told me that I could continue calling her ‘Grandma’ if I never started smoking. I was twelve. I told her ‘Mary, I will never smoke, but I will never call you Grandma again.’ Amazingly, I spend the first few days feeling very numb (and completely shocked) about my Uncles death, and of course feeling very sad for his daughters (which are basically the same ages as my daughters) and very sad for my mother. Then it hit me that I was very sad for me, it was like I lost my grandpa again, I know that sounds crazy, but I was ten when he died, and because of a bunch of bizarre circumstances I didn’t really get to grieve for him, I didn’t know how, and no one much paid attention to my sadness, they were busy with their own. I’m very sad about my uncle also, and very sad about how disconnected I felt from my aunt, and my cousins are so much younger, we are an entirely different generation – and that was strange – they aren’t cute little kids anymore, and they aren’t my peers, and there wasn’t much of a connection there. My uncle from Colorado – mom’s full brother – was there too, for the service anyhow – but he made a bit of an ass of himself, he usually does at funerals – lots of leftover baggage from a crappy childhood spent yearning for a mom instead of a colorful eccentric woman that didn’t like kids but happened to give birth to two of them. I can’t quit crying when I think about it, I cried very hard as the plane left the Oklahoma airport – I’m pretty sure that I will never go back, unless it’s for something totally unrelated to them. I suppose there is the chance that I would be invited and able and willing to attend my cousin’s weddings someday – but more likely that I will send a gift and card.

So that first ladybug, the smile, the reminder that spring is renewal, that was very special to me today – I needed the reminder that spring is here and it’s time for lots of newness.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Graham Cracker Moms

A couple of years ago – okay more like ten – my oldest daughter was in 1st grade. Being the aspiring super mom that I was – 3 kids in 2.5 years, one in charter school in first grade, the other in a pilot preschool program, and the last one looking as cute as a button all the time – I signed up for ‘party mom’. As most of you will know, party moms are those women who have nothing better to do with their time than plan overly extravagant festivities to be held in the classroom on Valentine’s Day and for the ‘Holidays’ (some schools also include Halloween, but our school didn’t because there was a majority of families that preferred not to celebrate a ‘pagan’ holiday – perhaps they should confront the Pope about his Paganism) – so these moms all get together a few weeks in advance of party day and they all bring their fabulous ideas from whatever sources they have – I presume it’s some secret cult periodical that I never received because I keep liquor in my house – but I arrived with the idea that we would be making assignments for who was to bake 800 cookies and that would be about it. We arrived and it was determined – or more like proclaimed by the mom dictator who had taken on chairmanship of this apparently vitally important committee – who knew it was a matter of national security to have a spectacular holiday party – surely not me – that we would be giving the little darlings the opportunity to make ‘gingerbread houses’ out of used milk cartons from the cafeteria, graham crackers, frosting and candy. Okay great, that sounds really cute (note to self, have my clumsy kid wear something that is VERY washable). So, Mrs. A should bring 14 tons of frosting, oh don’t get the fluffy kind it’s not sticky enough to hold the crackers to the milk cartons, don’t buy the really cheap stuff it doesn’t taste as good and has more sugar so they will get more hyper (we are giving them frosting and candy, I’m sure it’s gonna matter 3 grams v. 5 grams in one tablespoon), etc. Okay frosting settled, Mrs. B bring the candy, lots of redhots, candy canes, don’t get the weird ones, don’t get the large ones, etc. – okay candy settled – Mrs. C pick up the milk cartons from Mrs. Cafeteria Genius (yes she is a Genius, I miss her tremendously, but that’s for another day) – and lastly the ensuing WAR over the graham crackers. Let me tell you now that school here started at 8:15 – to the best of my memory – we all began this meeting a bit before 8:30 in the school library – and this was for ONE classroom of first graders, so there were ya know 13 other similar meetings going on. By lunchtime – 11:30? – we were still fighting over what kind of graham crackers to purchase – okay we weren’t, the two ‘graham cracker mom’s’ were battling out. I mistakenly suggested they settle the way we had always settled things growing up – leg wrestling. Apparently that isn’t an appropriate solution to such an important decision. The dictator mom and another one, who (after years of contact) I assume must have tried for the very prestigious position of head party mom went at it for, I kid you not, 3 hours. Those crackers don’t break straight, those crackers taste like cardboard, those crackers are too expensive, those crackers won’t adhere to the frosting, etc., etc. etc. At about 10:30 I vowed to never ever ever be on this important committee again, because I was clearly out of my league – hell I knew nothing about which graham crackers didn’t stick well with frosting.

It’s been a few years, as I indicated already – and I have run across a few more ‘graham cracker moms’ during that time – in fact shortly after the original eye opener of the party mom meeting, I actually managed to do all my volunteering on one and two person committees that I either chaired or approached a mom I knew I could stand (who also maybe kept liquor in her home) and said, hey lets do this together so you don’t get stuck with Mrs. Super Duper Graham Cracker Dictator Mom – that worked really well from about 3rd grade to about 6th grade with only a couple of hideous experiences. Well, then you get into high school, and you don’t have so much control – because you are the new rookie mom again – ugh. So there was Softball Concessions, I knew the chair – our kids had gone to the same elementary – and I knew I could work with her – so she chaired Varsity and I chaired Junior Varsity – well that Graham Cracker mom – (by the way my daughter was a sophomore and it was my second year in this position – her daughter was a freshman, you get my point) actually laminated concession stand schedules and then attached them to magnets so that none of us slacker moms would forget that we had to bring the hotdogs early on Thursday the third and warm up the nacho cheese. Being a veteran of the ‘I don’t do Graham Crackers’ club – when she handed me my laminated schedule – I point blank said ‘wow you have a lot of flexible time don’t you’. So it’s not just about graham crackers and holiday parties. And there have been others.

But yesterday – well wow is all I can say.
My daughters are involved in an organization for girls, and the age for membership has dropped from 12 when I was a girl to 10. So – our little group has our first ten year-old – G-d help us. And this little darling, is not so darling. Her mom is totally out to lunch, and will tell you as many times as you will listen how freaking fabulous she is, and how challenging her life is and how she still manages to do all these wonderful Martha Stewart times twelve accomplishments. As a matter of fact, she really never shuts up. Well whoopti hell, she is now on the adult advisory committee for this group – remember that whole I only join groups that I can tolerate the others – so far so good – but now… lets just call her Graham Cracker Mom from Hell. We usually have our meetings on the 3rd Tuesday of every month at 7:00pm – we are generally done by 8:30 – occasionally sooner, sometimes a bit later – and we don’t run them all that efficiently, and I am a HUGE violator when it comes to getting off task – I even tell myself going into these meetings to shut up and only comment on my own notes. And I’m sure that when I first joined this council, I was a pain in everyone’s ass too – because a newbie needs clarification all the time. I did have the advantage of having been in this organization as a girl, I had the advantage of having served on this same council when I was a young adult (the presiding officer at that time ran everything, simply had the meetings because they were required, told us what we were doing, what to vote for and made the most fabulous desserts ever – end of meeting) Now our presiding officer is a bit wishy washy, kinda wimpy – will admit all this herself, so I’m not really talking behind her back – and I love her and she was exactly what we needed when she took on the position. Anyhow, this new GCMfH, is totally new to the organization, and she can do everything remember (frankly she has already screwed up several times, but we will let that go right now) – so the way this meeting is run is that 5 of us have voting rights – the others just do stuff for the kids, but we honor their votes anyhow just to be nice. And of the five that have voting rights, we all get a turn to talk about our issues – beginning with the presiding officer. She says, here’s the deal the girls are idiots in the dressing room, and I told them they were being awful and told them to shape up and ten minutes later they made a huge mess, broke some stuff, and were idiots – GCMfH spoke up – maybe we should this and that – why isn’t there this and that – (oh yeah, the biggest idiot in the dressing room is her kid, which presiding officer had said we were specifically going to talk about Kid A and Kid B who are an issue – but their two moms who have NEVER attended this meeting before both showed up – so being wishy washy she didn’t name names – probably better that way, but…) – we spent 5 minutes on the topic, and then GCM spent another 20 minutes on it. Then the second in charge said could we do a ceremony for the Odd Fellows – we said yes) GCM had to tell us how her mom was a Rebekkah (sp?) and she remembers right where the Odd Fellows hall is from a field trip with her kids to town (we meet in a small historic mining town).Then the Secretary – she read us the notes from the State meeting that we all didn’t attend but she did – GCM had about 14 questions about stuff that she didn’t need to clarify right then and could have saved us all a lot of time if she had said to one specific person, can you explain all that later. – Okay now I’m just venting, and I’m sure you have the picture our usual little 1.5 hour meeting took 3 hours – and I didn’t talk much (couldn’t get a word in edgewise) so we pretty much stayed on topic, just that we got down to the silliest details of each topic – and then the coupe de gras (sp?) she actually told another mom – “and if I don’t like the way you are doing it, I won’t help” – and she was MEAN about it. I said, “that’s okay, if she won’t do it your way, find someone who will” (oh I am such a diplomat – actually I am, because what I wanted to say was “who died and made you queen bitch head of the quilters” – but I toned it down).

So – now my most passionate volunteer position is being jeopardized by a newbie-uninformed-idiot-hasn’t swept her own porch-Graham Cracker Mom – I will win this one, oh yes I will – because unlike my first attempt, when I was way out of my league – this time I have the upper hand, I have the experience, the knowledge, and my kids are older, I’m almost done, so it’s sorta like Fried Green Tomatoes, “I’m older and I have more insurance”.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Why must the dog watch me take a shit?

We have two dogs – they have lovely real names, but I usually refer to them as ‘you’ and ‘fat ass’.
‘You’ is old – in fact yesterday was his 11th (or 77th) birthday – and since puppyhood cannot pee/poop in front of a human, possibly other living creatures as well, not certain about that, because he has this uncanny knack of knowing if you are anywhere near the window and he will stop midstream and/or mid-whatever and wait for you to go away – I assume he waits, he’s never been treated for not going.
‘Fat ass’ is such an attention hog that if she sees you looking out the window and she is in the middle of her business, even if it’s only been twelve seconds since you gave her all sorts of attention before putting her out, she will begin wagging her tail like you are the most wonderful sight in the world and you are going to start petting her – I love my dogs, but I have never petted anything that was taking a crap (maybe a pet bunny when I was a kid, but they crap every eight seconds).
Well ‘You’ cannot stand it if I get up to go to the bathroom he MUST follow me – I can say to him, I am only going to the bathroom; I can wait til he is sound asleep and try to sneak off to the bathroom; it really doesn’t matter, even if he is only lying 4 feet from the bathroom door, he will get up and follow me and then very alertly watch me from the hallway. Oh I know I could close the door, the thing is, he would open it anyhow – and I’m claustrophobic – I only close the door if we have guests – otherwise, just stay outta the hall, cuz it will not only be ajar, it will be wide open. Okay if everyone is home, I will leave it ajar – but it won’t stay that way because the dog will come and open it. I could also time their trips out to the backyard with my trips to the bathroom, but being on the same schedule as the dogs is creepy in so many ways I can’t begin to think about that. I just think that he could be more understanding, he doesn’t like to be watched, and I’ve talked with him about this – I respect his dignity and let him have his privacy (well as much privacy as a dog can get going in the great outdoors – can’t he please just let me have my moment alone – he usually just looks at me with the same look he uses on ‘Fat Ass’ when she tries to eat his regular dog food instead of the doggy weight watchers crap we offer her. You see, he is actually underweight, probably all that exercise from following the entire family back and forth to the bathroom – and ‘Fat Ass’ is well, duh, overweight – so they get two different types of food – another complication in my life that I did NOT need.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My teenaged DAUGHTER noticed a car…

People who know me in real life know that amongst my many closeted personalities lives a ‘gear head’ – I did have a lot of brothers – Brothers, Mom, Dad, and Grandmother all drove race cars – we went to the races a lot when we were kids, and even more as teenagers. I even worked on a pit crew for short flirtatious stint one summer. So it comes as no surprise to those that know of this alter ego that I watch the Barrett Jackson auctions with husband and the boy, that the boy and I have spent time surfing fabulously wonderful dream cars on various occasions – GAWD the internet is so much better than trying to choose which magazine to browse like we had to do back in the 70’s and 80’s. I fell in love with the Maybach – I suppose it’s a testament to the little old lady alter ego that lives inside of me and adores luxury and performance – that is not to say it has replaced my dream cars – the ’66 Chevelle SS or the ’66 Ferrari Dino – it is to say I have grown and so has the list of dreams. My son wants a Bugatti – can’t say I blame him… oh shit I digressed from my point. My point, the girls, they think that car browsing, interest, etc. is so much bullshit. They have zero interest in seeing a Shelby Cobra when it is driving down the highway right in front of us, nor do any other high-performance-make-you-drool-all-over-yourself vehicles even cause their necks to twitch, let alone turn around 180 degrees, causing the drool to actually run down their backs between their shoulder blades. They will go to the races with us, on those rare occasions that we can find both time and money for such an outing – but I believe they spend the entire time eating concession stand food (there’s that whole money thing again), bitching about the bathroom facilities and of course looking at butts – you know the ones inside of the wranglers on the boys strutting around the track looking at butts. So, it came as an enormous shock, in fact I nearly needed one of those portable defibrulators, that her head not only turned, but she actually had to wipe drool from her chin the other day when a Porsche 911 GT3 drove by us on the highway – now, as a seasoned veteran of peeing my pants with envy and desire when a car like that is in visible vicinity I knew it wouldn’t be long until she began to hyperventilate and her eyes would become fixed on the last little visible speck of the car in the distance, so I knew that in spite of my own selfish needs, I had to keep myself together, there would be time later to restart my heart from the pure shock of her statement “Oh My God that Car is so F***ing Sweet – THAT is the car I want” (ps the shock had nothing whatsoever to do with the F word, that I can handle, it was that she was noticing a car). I didn’t even comment that her dream was ONLY a Porsche, and not nearly so unique or fabulous as a Shelby Cobra, Bugatti Veyron, Maserati, Ferrari, Lambourghini, Spyder, etc – and in fact it was a fabulous car, just beautiful, truly fantastically enjoyable – we tried to catch it (rofl in our 4 cylinder Chevy Impala – the kids’ car, but I drive it a lot right now because of both gas mileage and weather – My old lady luxury car [Lincoln Town Car] doesn’t get nearly the gas mileage) just to see if it was a hot guy, a hot girl, or an old bald fart driving it. Oh yeah it had a vanity plate too – something really decadent, I can’t remember it now. I don’t know if this is the result of some sort of late blooming switch finally firing, or if she will really only ever love this one car, or if she was temporarily possessed by some other entity that does actually appreciate fine automobiles. She has mentioned it a few times since, so I think that possession is not really the cause. She even asked her sister (who aspires to be a broadway actress/dancer) to buy her one when she is rich – keep in mind the oldest aspires to be a surgeon and should have plenty of $$ herself to buy one – but she continues to live in this strange little fantasy land that her brother and sister will both be far more wealthy than she will be with their careers in theatre and professional sports – hmmmm, we’ll just have to see about that.

FYI –
Porsche 911 GT3 – MSRP $100,000
Maybach 62– MSRP $386,500
1966 Ferrari Dino 206 SP – Auction Value $1,000,000 (no I did not put too many zeros)
1966 Chevelle SS - $20-$30,000 (though I did run across a numbers matching L78 Convertible for $105,000)
Shelby Cobra – Barrett Jackson Auction Price - $5,500,000 (no I did not put too many zeros)
Bugatti Veyron - $1,100,000 (not too many zeros)

Blog Surfing…

I went blog surfing yesterday morning, and contrary to my usual forays into this “exciting” (usually isn’t) and “inspiring” (usually isn’t) world of voyeurism, I found some things I really did like looking at. ‘Baseball Mom’ – her kids are younger than mine, and she has no girls, but… in many ways we sound like a matched pair – I think that she would probably be a lot of fun to hang out and drink beers with while we make fun of the men and the boys and solve all of the world’s problems by relating them to baseball or motherhood. I left her a few messages, though her latest entry made it clear that she would be out of town this week. On her page – I mean after all I liked her stuff, so I might like what she looks at – I found others I liked also (of course I am on a different computer now and can’t access my history, or find these blogs with a simple google search so that I make certain and get the name correct, and get the link – oh yeah and I’m on dialup at work, and well the searching is going ever so quickly-NOT) – ‘LDSM, Soccer Mom’, first of all she’s pink, like me, second of all – I belong to a long line of stuck up snotty baseball-moms-are-better-than-soccer-mom’s clicque, you know the ones I drink beer with and therefore owe all my loyalty to – so to say that someone who calls herself “Soccer Mom” is a good read, well, you do the math (ps I only pretend to be uppity, there’s no way in hell I could actually pull it off) – she’s got a sense of humor, and I love This Post – Look for a corresponding post here soon (if I remember to post it) – then there is also ‘My Tiny Kingdom’ – ROFL at what her kids put in her closet – I don’t know that I read any other posts, but that one had me giggling out loud, I will have to read more of her posts too see what I think of the person behind the ornery brothers – The last one I read was ‘Cursing Mama’, well obviously I liked the name, I also like the tagline – “Teaching my kids the English Language, one colorful word at a time” – obviously the husband would not like this at all, as I am constantly in the doghouse for my mouth – I do however love it when my little minions rat on him and come home with ‘Dad used the F word in traffic today’ or ‘I heard Dad say the F word to so and so on the phone’ – it gives me a little wiggle room for a week or two. Cursing Mama does like cats and knitting, so we have our subtle differences, but I usually like people who like cats and knitting (though knitters are such snobs to we who are lazy and only use one needle and give it a fancy name that men can’t pronounce when the see it and can’t spell when they hear it). Anyhow, so yesterday’s blog surfing paid off, and all because of that glorious word ‘Baseball’ – I can almost smell the dirt and leather now.

Well back to Baseball Mom - I must check out her other friends, and then start thinking about making a list of my own blogs that I read. I'll give it awhile and see which ones I just can't stay away from, after all it would be silly to list something I've only been to one time.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Valentine’s Day

So – you are looking around at all the pink and thinking oh great – here comes some sappy crappy romantic stuff – WRONG!

Don’t get me wrong, I love romance – I think romance is necessary and healthy and absolutely fabulous. I hate CONTRIVED romance. That is to say, I hate love songs; I hate stupid sappy assed insincere cards; I detest feeling obligated to show affection or vocalize feelings just because it’s good manners to ‘return’ the comment/action. Valentine’s Day (and Anniversaries) are the stupidest most obligatory contrived holidays I can think of.

You know how fundamental Christians carry on about not over-commercializing Christmas and remembering Jesus’ birthday (which by the way is NOT on Christmas). Why don’t they have the same passion about anniversaries and Valentine’s Day?

I love my husband, deeply, passionately, in ways I never understood until it happened. I love my children, deeply, passionately, in ways no one can fathom until they feel it. I love my parents, deeply, passionately, blindly. I love my siblings, I love my friends, I love many people, and creatures. And, I enjoy giving valentines to any/all of them. Valentine’s are fun – the little candy hearts, the chocolates, silly sentiments that are universally genuine and sincere. I do not however generally feel very romantic on Valentine’s Day – probably in part because I am stubborn to a fault, and I hate being told how to feel – so… if Hallmark says I must feel sappy and romantic all day, I’m likely to feel nearly the opposite.

I tell my husband often, particularly around Valentine’s Day and anniversaries – every day is Valentine’s Day – the best most wonderful romantic gesture are the ones that happen on the spur of the moment, or at least are UNEXPECTED. I love when my husband grabs me by the hand to drag me outside to look at the sunset – I love grabbing his hand and dragging him outside to kiss in the rain. I feel incredibly in love when he will just suddenly suggest a romantic moment in spite of the dirty house, crazy schedule, or even that I look awful. I love when he dresses up for some event that he doesn’t even really want to attend – he looks fabulous, and I know he is making a sacrifice for someone else’s happiness.

So what are my Valentine’s plans… I plan to cook a special dinner for the kids and husband – maybe French Steak, decorate the dining room with things from the box that has VD written on the side in big red marker, give them all stupid little trinkets and goofy valentines – as if we are all in 3rd grade – and I will email them ecards – because those are the best valentine cards around. My husband I will probably not have a night any different than usual in the romance department, because he knows that I hate feeling obligated to be romantic – and then in a week or two, one of us will do something incredibly romantic for the other.

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Meltdown

I am delighted to let all of you know that we have melted enough to actually see some of the lawn! I was so delighted to find a couple of weeks worth of the local weekly paper in a snowbank this morning, and to see some of my lawn – it can’t be long before I can enjoy my little crocuses and daffodils – I know they are under there somewhere.

I have just spent the better part of the day doing the old spreadsheet dizzy dance – getting financial backup ready for a board meeting – I haven’t had a shower in two days, I stink, and I haven’t eaten lunch yet (2:30pm) – So… am I jumping into the shower with a sandwich in hand – uh… no, I’m writing a stupid blog entry, because I want readers dammit – and I think that if I blog enough nonsense maybe I will get one or two more than the one I have. Also because my brain is almost entirely mush from several consecutive days of spreadsheets and I can’t make a logical decision.

What to write about, well it seems that Anna Nicole is getting an awful lot of attention – and here is what I really snickered at (please don’t think me crass) – they did a piece on Nightline last night that was at least 10 minutes about ‘why is Anna Nicole Smith in the news’ – well if y’all didn’t spend ten minutes on her, maybe she wouldn’t be. Don’t misread me, there have been some newsworthy stories on her, and her death merits some mention in the news, I just don’t think that it merits quite the abundance of attention that it seems to be receiving. There are other celebrities that have passed away recently, and I don’t recall it being THE headline story for a full 24 hours, surely there is something in this whole big world that has more impact on us that should be the lead story.

Wow, between the hunger and the hygiene, I think I have nothing more to say – how’s that for a blog that will really inspire my readers to comment!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Superbowl Whiners

Yes we watched the superbowl – a. we are American, b. did you not notice the profile, there are two males in this house – and they both play/played football all through school, c. there generally isn’t anything else on, especially anything that allows you to use it as an excuse for gastronomic overindulgence.

So yesterday my friend (who only watched some of the game, she is single, has two daughters, and her mother lives with her – no men in the house (yes I’m sexist) – and she probably had other crap to do). Anyhow, yesterday she called me and said “I need your perspective” – this usually means that her fundamental religious training and strictly defined personal morals are at odds with her open-mindedness and/or her ability to look at things very very logically – and when she gets my feedback, she can usually find which side of the fence she wants to fall on. We actually agree on most everything, in spite of our different spiritual paths. [I call her for perspective also]

Apparently the flap over the Snickers Commercial was in high gear at her workplace – which to be fair to my “readers” – she does work in broadcasting. She missed the commercial during the game, knew I would have seen it, and wanted to know what my feelings were. Well…

For crying out loud, you stupid whiney assed Americans and the freakin drama queen media have done it again – get over yourselves. Let’s review (just in case someone actually stumbles into my blog that is from oh say another planet and hasn’t heard of this), two guys are working on an engine, one opens a snickers bar, and puts it in his mouth, and like a cigar leaves it hanging out (I would be afraid of dropping the chocolaty goodness onto the engine and would never have let go, but that really is beside the point) – the other guy, overcome by the temptation of the most wonderful candy bar he’s ever seen, bites onto the other end; they keep biting their way through the candy bar until they meet in the middle and their lips touch. They freak out at the prospect of having kissed, and jump up and one says to the other “quick do something manly” – they both reach into their shirts and pull out wads of chest hair – we here at ‘chez politically incorrect’ laughed our asses off – particularly when the one guy pulled out a wad of chest hair that could have served as a wig for someone.

Well it never occurred to me that this was ‘anti-homosexual’ – I didn’t even think of it as a ‘homosexual’ encounter. Two PEOPLE who weren’t attracted to each other accidentally kissed – if I accidentally ate my way up a snickers bar that was hanging out of my mailman’s mouth, or my brother’s mouth, or my gay hairdresser’s mouth, or my bitchy next door neighbor’s mouth, etc. – I would have been grossed out – these are not people I have any desire to kiss. It was not about homosexuality, or at least not entirely, it was about ewwwwwwww we just did something that doesn’t fit with our own personal style and now we have to reinforce who we are.

So, I give my opinion to my friend who tells me that she looked over a few blogs to ‘research’ because of all the flap at work and she even ran across people ranting about it not being appropriate during a football game because football is ‘family entertainment’. You will get NO argument from me that football is ‘family entertainment’ – in fact I wrote several letters years ago when my daughter was a toddler in a playpen and we left her alone in the living room with the t.v. during commercials to go get some food or something – well she starts screaming in horror and we run in and she is watching a commercial for ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ – and she is terrified, she even had nightmares for a few nights. I was way super pissed that they movie commercials have a need to be so graphic and hideous – if the movie is rated R – the commercials that are shown on television should NOT portray the reasons why they are R – particularly during a t.v. show that has a general audience rating. Guys kissing are not going to scar my children – be real.

So let’s review, there were commercials for horror movies during the superbowl, graphic commercials – no one is screaming. A rabbit molested a mouse during a superbowl commercial (again we laughed our asses off), no one is screaming. Two lions made fun of Latins (we laughed), no one is screaming. A girl was portrayed as clumsy, another girl was portrayed as slutty, there was casual sex – most certainly unprotected casual sex, there was an old guy getting his butt kicked, there was a portrayal of a classic children’s game reinvented with dangerous violence (my son says – what if kids start throwing scissors???), there was sexual harassment in the workplace, deviant sexual behaviour – really much to be offended by – oh wait… because of one simple premise – things that are funny are usually a little bit WRONG – and we expect to be amused and entertained during our superbowl commercials – also it doesn’t hurt to have commercials be entertaining so people will watch them instead of refilling their plates with hot wings and going pee, then they might actually buy your product – isn’t that the point?

We are going to have a hard time selling products to the masses if we don’t advertise; advertising is competitive, you have to have the better beer ad so that people will want to drink your beer; better = more entertaining; more entertaining can = funnier; funny = a little bit wrong; a little bit wrong = offensive to some. It’s really just capitalist math, don’t scream about the ‘anti-gay’ message, go live someplace communist where everyone is equal and advertising is unnecessary and bitch about how capitalism is the enemy – enjoy your little gray suit! The bonus to living in a communist country, aside from the lack of advertising, is that the media is state controlled, so while you still won’t get any valid reliable truthful correct news reports, at least they won’t be overselling their lies and drama, and you will know you aren’t getting the whole story and you won’t expect integrity in the reporting. There also aren’t any churches, so the judgmental freaks who want to scream at you for your choices won’t be around to make your life hell and use their big mouths to try to convince themselves that they are on the path to heaven.

There are many much greater things to be bitching and whining about, things that actually do have adverse affects on the american youth - maybe we should re-focus for the good of the entire community?

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Video Game Violence v. Mean Mom Attitude

Per an email from a friend…
“BTW - are any of your brood (particularly the boy) into the World of Warcraft?
I've said no -- more than once -- and apparently I'm the meanest mom at _____
Middle School.”

Well… no, none of my brood are into World of Warcraft (sounds nasty and bloody and let’s admit it, maybe a bit cathartic also?) – why are none of them into it – are they pussy peace loving tree hugging hippy daisy chain making pansies – NO! In fact, the oldest concerns me because she loves fire and she ‘wants a gun’ – “The Boy” (we refer to him all the time like that, I hope he doesn’t get some sort of emotional scar) is very into shooting, maiming, swords, cross bows, guns, knives, playing airsoft, playing paintball, and yes he would love video games where he could shoot stuff or ‘blow shit up’ – The youngest… well okay she is a peace loving tree hugging hippy daisy chain making drama queen – but 2/3 of my children would love to ‘blow shit up’ in real life or virtually.

So… my friend is not “the meanest mom at _____ Middle School”, well she might be, but she is no meaner than me. My children are also not allowed any video games where they shoot people. But, after being rather addicted to Spyro myself when they were younger, and well killing the little dudes by breathing fire on them (is this really that different than tossing a grenade into a Nazi bunker in ‘WWII whatever the hell it is that my husband plays’?) made me realize that video games are by the nature of them – competitive. And by the nature of competition, there is generally, not always, but generally, a good guy and a bad guy. So I changed my thinking a little – my kids cannot play games where they shoot PEOPLE (except Nazi’s in the game that my husband plays – oh yeah and other bad guys through history in some other games that are around the house – there is something about Spartans…) nor can they play games where they can be ‘the bad guy’. So, they can play games that I don’t think are too awfully violent, where they kill imaginary weird alien crap, or truly universally bad guys like Nazi’s. (Please don’t go off on me about how a lot of Nazi’s had no choice and were not bad people, they just did as they were ordered out of fear – I live with a history major that will tell you all the good that Custer did – you can hardly argue with me that people get stuck in circumstances historically – it’s like preaching to the choir). And they can ‘blow shit up’ – but… there are time limits and when I deem that it is affecting their behaviour or attitude I simply ground them from all game platforms (including PC and hand held) for however long I think their transgression merits.

Now, they do have the option of trying to argue this with me – recently my son tried explaining the merits of Vice City to me – rofl… as if I was going to listen to that crap – bad guys steal cars, and you aren’t allowed to play games where you are the bad guy. Once in a blue moon they win – like when my son got hooked on a friends game and assured me that he was only killing imaginary characters like Cyclops and Gorgon’s etc… well, I listened to that game for awhile and the sound effects were rather gushy and slicey and sounded like true massacre and I said ‘no more – regardless if you are killing imaginary stuff, listening to all that killing is disgusting’. And, they do obviously play these games at their friends houses, but… since they don’t live there, they can’t play them constantly – so I let that go a little, with of course the “if you shouldn’t be doing it at home, then don’t do it there speech” – knowing damn well I can’t control what they do other places, merely ask that they not do it, and go from there.

Will any of this help my friend – oh hell no, her kids will say that her friend is mean and twisted and wrong also. Will keeping our children from playing games where they slice and dice human beings for amusement help them in the long run – I hope so. I would like to think that I am doing my part to instill in my children a respect for life and a sensitivity to the senselessness that is violence. Will it work, who knows – but they will someday recognize that I tried, and maybe that will be enough.

S. A. D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder

I have heard of this, and often thought, oh yes living someplace that is overcast all of the time would near kill me – I cannot even stand to have the drapes closed – I have to have sunshine, I really truly have to have it. I get freaked out if we have two overcast days in a row. I am from Colorado – in fact I am 6th generation Coloradan – and we have over 300 days of sunshine per year NORMALLY.

Well - after I can’t count backwards how many storms, in just over a month – and we are somewhere around our 45th day of snow on the ground – with just a barely smattering of sunlight getting in (thankfully this weekend brought a little sunshine, and I managed to actually be out in it a bit) – I think I may be in need of therapy – which is apparently getting outside. Let’s just review, there is snow on the ground, the temperature hasn’t been above 30 except for a few days – and there’s no freakin sunshine OUTSIDE either. If there were sunshine OUTSIDE, I would open the drapes and bring it INSIDE. The other therapy is a “Light Box” – WTF – I live in Colorado – we have over 300 days of sunshine per year – I’m gonna do what with this stupid light box after this winter – I suppose I could sell it on eBay to some poor soul who is stuck in Seattle. Or there is “Travel to a Tropical Location” – I want to get my doctor to prescribe that and have my health insurance pay for it – but oh yeah, health insurance doesn’t even actually pay for emergency room visits – well just barely anyhow – so… I’m thinking the docs over at the Kaiser building, that are probably also about to commit some heinous act to try and overcome this gloom are not gonna say “Sure, here’s a ticket to Bermuda”

So… what am I gonna do about my S.A.D. – well I read this morning that some people have “reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder” – they get depressed when it is too sunny – so I had some unhealthy thoughts about things I would like to do to someone who actually thinks sunshine is depressing (that was very open minded wasn’t it) – and I also read this morning that mental health officials become concerned that people will drink heavily when they are affected – WHAT??? – Not that I don’t drink when it’s cold, but seriously, “who wants a COLD beer?” sounds a bit oxymoronic to me right now. Also, people might overeat – oh really, well considering that I’ve put on about a bazillion pounds since I quit smoking almost 1.5 yrs ago, that would be a great way to comfort myself – IF I FELT LIKE GOING TO THE FREAKIN STORE TO BUY FOOD!

Reverse S.A.D. indeed – get a grip, no one writes songs about how wonderfully comforting and fun a cold dark overcast gloomy assed day is – not even in country music!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Keeping Kosher

When I first read this headline, I was amazed, because there is no way that an adult gentile has kept kosher for his entire life (okay I suppose someone somewhere could find a Gentile that simply by accident or unique circumstance made it to adulthood without violating Kashrut).

So if you accept an organ, particular an organ that is essentially a filter for the poisons of human existence, from a person who has mixed milk and meat or who has eaten pork or shellfish, wouldn’t that be non-kosher?

Of course I opened the article, and read on. They were very specific to mention that it was a Reform Rabbi. I have had experience with mostly Reform Jews in my life, and they all kept Kosher, at least for holidays, and I never saw any of them eat pork or shellfish or meat with milk. I thought that Reform Jews simply didn’t violate basic laws in day to day life, and had two sets of dishes so that they could be completely pure for religious observances.

So I thought, hmmm, maybe that is a choice that a Reform Jew can make. How surprised was I when I googled “Reform Judaism Dietary Restrictions” – and came up with this excellent sermon. The original position of Reform Jews as long ago as 1885, was to oppose dietary law. The Reform synagogue even published a cook book with pork recipes (wow!) – and the Rabbi that wrote the sermon had Quiche Lorraine, with bacon, at the temple for his Bar Mitzvah.

To further surprise me, I find that (at least the position of this Rabbi) God actually would prefer that we be vegetarian. Having been a vegetarian for a while when I was younger, I actually have a hard time believing this – but, I plan to reread my bible and see how I interpret it for myself. The beauty of my faith is I don’t have to accept other people’s interpretations, I am open to find my own personal spiritual meaning in life and in God’s word. (Oh yeah and as a side note – this Rabbi spelled out God – rather than the usual G-d that you see in much Jewish writing).

Okay so back to my original question, when I read just the headline… would it be a violation of Jewish Dietary Laws to accept an organ from someone who has not kept Kosher, if you were for example a Hasidic Jew? And, are Orthodox Jews deeply offended by the idea of a Rabbi who has not kept Kosher?

I don’t know if I will find the answer… but it is a curious question.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Speaking of whining…

I love my dear husband (see earlier posts) – I love my kids, they make me crazy and insane and often I behave strangely because of the things they do… but I adore them, more than they can ever understand until they have children of their own, and maybe not then… BUT

I am SOOOOOO happy (notice the Jr. High emphasis by placing lots of ‘o’s) that they have returned to school and my life can once again return to some shadow of it’s former self. Not bad enough that they got two extra days of vacation (see any news about the state of weather in Colorado or this listing on ebay) and were home whining about how they were SO prepared for their finals and now they will have to study all over again. Not bad enough that we were totally unprepared for the holidays (as usual), and that there was 26” of snow on the ground and no way to escape the hell that was our home with everyone home and whining. Not bad enough that as soon as Mother Nature lulled us into thinking it was all going to be okay and we would somehow catch up on the errands, and our internet shopping that was to be delivered on the 20th would somehow arrive by the 24th, and we might actually get the rest of the shopping done, she dumps more snow on our happy little village (okay it’s a crappy city covered with brown schlocky snow/slush/ice – but village sounds so much more poetic). We were surviving all of that, the kids had ceased whining about finals when they realized there really wasn’t any point in spending their entire vacation unhappy, the boy was shoveling like a demon at home and at his grandparents (both houses), we managed one big shopping trip to Kohl’s before the first storm, and another to Target in between storms – yes if you got your gift from me, likely you can return it one of those two places, husband made lovely pictures of the internet gifts and we put them in envelopes on the tree, and we even managed to get our baking groceries layed in before the storm… in fact, we were going to be baking on the 22nd, we had the kitchen ready to go, the groceries, and boom… Husband calls from the grocery store – he was picking up those groceries that we needed for our traditional Christmas morning breakfast and some whipping cream for my daughters cream puffs… we drank the first pint along with some hot chocolate and crème de menthe – so he calls

“There’s a problem”

“Oh” (me imagining they are out of whipping cream or some other item we can find a substitution for)

“I broke my wrist”

“what?”

“I slipped on black ice getting out of the truck and I broke my wrist”

So I could go on with the conversation, but that would be boring for you, and requires all that extra punctuation for me… I offered to go get him, he insisted he could drive, he drove home, I ran out to the truck and drove him to the emergency room where we stayed until nearly midnight (and we were “fast tracked”). Keeping in mind that he didn’t say “I think I broke my wrist” or “I might have broken my wrist” – he said “I broke my wrist” – I knew it was broken, I just wanted to get him taken care of and out of pain.

My kids (okay, Our kids) were FANTASTIC! After I hung up the phone and before he pulled up, they had an ice pack, my shoes, my purse, my son was out shoveling again… then after I left, the three of them made the cookies and the pizelles (Italian Christmas Cookies) which are NOT easy (until you’ve made several hudred, then it’s like anything else good – time consuming, but not hard). They made hundreds of each, and they didn’t make a hideous mess of the kitchen either. Then they helped me over the next two days with wrapping and packing and making fudge and cleaning.

Then without warning, without hesitation, on December 26th, they turned into someone else’s children, and my husband (who had been trying some to help those two days) became the “I Can’t” man (waving casted arm in air). I had no recourse but to become Lois from Malcolm in the Middle – bitching all the time, laying guilt trips, grunting, moaning, and even being nasty to the cripple… really, he can drive this huge four wheel drive truck through the most hideous streets and snow potholes, he can work all day, he can wipe his own ass (I assume, I haven’t actually seen him do it, but he doesn’t smell like shit), he can shower (again an assumption, he wraps the cast in plastic and turns on the water and doesn’t smell bad), he can pet the dogs, use the t.v. remote, play playstation, eat, etc… but he can’t put the mustard away because he “can’t twist, the doctor told him not to”, and he can’t help cook bacon (a decidedly one handed job) – I work with amputees on occasion, and I wanted to tell him they can do these things and they don’t even have the broken arm with some usable fingers to help out. And the kids… well you know teenaged excuses “I did the dishes last time” “she never does it” “I shoveled at Grandma’s” “it’s not my mess”… It’s enough to make a fairly sane, lucid, level-headed woman like myself become an animal worthy of billing as one of Godzilla’s Foes (remember Mothra???).

So, no whining indeed.

Oh but I must add an addendum. The Colorado snowstorms had the most delightful affect on people, I don’t remember cheerier people out Christmas shopping, all helping each other, smiling, saying excuse me and I’m sorry, offering suggestions for substitutions in the bare-shelved grocery store – really a beautiful Christmas in that regard – I want to thank each stranger that was so nice and joyful around me during this time.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

No Whining!

I have long been of the opinion that Americans are the BIGGEST whiners on the planet. We are almost competitive about it – ‘my whine is bigger and more important than yours’. We use things like ‘civil rights’ and ‘separation of church and state’ and ‘free speech’ as our excuses for this heinous behaviour. This week… I have of course (consider the season) heard a lot of whining about people saying ‘merry christmas’ rather than the politically correct ‘happy holidays’ – which by the way it could be argued is also not politically correct – by saying that you are assuming that they are not for example Jehovah’s Witnesses – who do not celebrate holidays. When people’s intentions are good, why must we find fault with their methods??? … also, and this one is a doozy – apparently the sweet little penguin(s?) in the new movie Happy Feet are racist or prejudicial or some damn thing… I heard this from Whoopi on her new syndicated radio show… which is a bit off, but as I scan through the stations (oops my turn to bitch… there is nothing but talk on Denver morning radio, you just change from morning show to morning show in a vain effort to find music… unless you like to wake up to Mexican Polka music – which I happen to like while drinking – but it’s not always my preference with coffee)… as I scan through the stations, she is on one of those below 100 FM – maybe 95.7??? – anyhow, she was stating how absurd and ridiculous it is that people must find fault in everything and I thought – yes exactly – I was driving down the highway pointing at my nose excitedly – I’m sure passersby thought I was losing it! So apparently, I haven’t seen the movie, but do stop to watch the very very cute commercials and plan to see it – whoever is responsible for animating it intentionally masked this deeper hideous prejudicial message… yeah, I’m sure that was the point of the film – not to make money or animate something with great skill and entertain people. Can’t we just have entertainment for entertainment’s sake??? Can’t we have good wishes for good wishes sake – I would not be offended if someone wished me happy solstice, happy Hanukah, happy Kwanzaa, happy Christmas, happy holidays, or even have a great December! So… tell me your experience with the most absurd whine that makes ‘news’ (ha! – There’s a subject, is the media reporting ‘news’ or providing some sort of molested version of current events in an attempt to fulfill some other agenda?).