Survival of the "fittest"

Maybe it’s just where I go to read – or maybe most mom’s of teenagers don’t have time to blog (or they can’t get the teenagers off of their facebook/myspace to have at the computer and internet connection that they are doubtless paying for). Most of the blogs I read are written by mom’s who are dealing with things I already “dealt” with – and by “dealt” with, I do mean one of the following:
• Stuck my head in the sand and pretended not to know
• Yelled till my eyes were popping out of my head and my head did that whole 360 degree spin that Linda Blair did in the exorcist
• Tattled on them to their dad and let him “take over” (and by “take over” I mean, “handle” it with my chiming in from the background)
• Called my mom to humiliate them by telling her what asses her grandbabies are – she nearly always took their side, it’s so strange, after her children bred… she became this woman in her mind who tolerates everything and “never yelled”
• Sent them to their room to “think about this and come up with what you think I should do”
• Tried to use guilt by telling them “Please don’t make me be a parent right now, let’s find another way”
• Made them write me an essay outlining what they did and how they will change and what the consequences are – this was not actually meant as a learning tool as much as a diversion so that I could… stick my head in the sand and pretend not to know

The joy of reading those blogs, is that it reminds me that I survived…

• the day my daughter was ready to go out the door to kindergarten, except for brushing her hair – at which time I discovered she had both gum and tree sap in her hair
• the time my son brought home fish guts and eyeballs for ‘show and tell’ and left them in a tackle box at the top of the stairs in the summer heat for two days
• the floods
• the fires
• the famine
(tee hee, I couldn’t resist listing them like that)
• The floods… the time my two older ones flooded grandpas bathroom by stuffing his sink with toilet paper and leaving it running; the time the neighbors pool collapsed and nearly filled our yard and nearly collapsed our pool (first summer kids were ‘home alone’); the time the toilet overflowed on the kids, and they didn’t know how to turn the water off, so it kept going and going and going; and several smaller, less tragic floods
• The fires… the time my son wondered if he light a wet paper towel on fire… next to the waste basket, which is where he flung the burning wet paper towel; the attempts (I helped) to blow up army men; the time my daughter singed off half her face learning to light the gas grill (dad’s supervision – not mine); and dear G-d, trying to teach two different girl scout troops how to light a campfire
• The famine… I really don’t have to actually explain that with three teenagers and two refrigerators and an enormous freezer and pantries both upstairs and down – everyday is famine “Mom, there’s nothing to eat”
• Science experiments – pop cans imploding; frozen baseball drop; growing grass w/o light; which freezes faster hot/cold water; what closes a wound better, bandaids, butterflies or stitches; volcanoes; tornadoes; will the dog eat “that”; will my brother eat “that”; what do I have to do to force my sister to eat “that”; etc.
• Broken bones; bloody noses; headaches; cramps; seizures; more bloody noses; vomit; pin worms; stitches; more bloody noses; more vomit; growing pains; blisters; fingernails coming off; chafing (I do have a baseball player… ps. those going to Cooperstown, now or ever… BAG BALM); more bloody noses; sprains; deep tissue bruises; black eyes; more bloody noses; and more vomit; bug bites; bee stings; cat scratches; things in your body that shouldn’t be there; things not in your body that should be there; and more bloody noses. (I have two chronic bleeders and one chronic vomiter)
• My husband acting like an 8 year old at the most inopportune moments
• 3 dogs; 2 cats; 4 guinea pigs; 6 birds; numerous fish; several pet spiders; and the ducks that visit our pool every spring
• The time the older two talked the younger one into shoving beans up her nose
• The time the older two caked the younger one with mud
• The time the older two told the younger one that the Broncos had a girl playing for them – and she announced it proudly at school
• The many times the oldest has attempted to cheer for the Yankees during a Red Sox game
• The reaction of the boy to anyone giving the Yankees any praise
• Carpools
• Field Trips
• Girl Scout Camp
• Girl Scout Camp with food in the tent with me – and critters
• Girl Scout Camp with the scout who wouldn’t drink water because she was “afraid” of the latrine
• Girl Scout Camp with the biggest most retarded brainless bimbo nitwit Girl Scout Leaders ever to buy a badge book and send home permission slips
• My kids taking trips w/o me
• Elegant Dinners as a family in Elegant Restaurants
• Crappy fast food in the car with one napkin for the whole crew
• A mini-van (I swear I will deny it if you bring it up to me in person)
• A two-door car with three car seats (hence the other vehicle I mentioned)
• At least five different threats to “run away” – and one day that the boy actually did leave the house – we found him a block away
• Numerous phone calls at work that ended with “go ahead and kill each other, just don’t bleed on the carpet and dammit don’t call me at work again unless someone is bleeding”
• Countless trips to the emergency room
• The “broken” foot that the boy was absolutely certain he could NOT WALK ON – the one he skipped around the ER on for the Dr. when he asked…
• The not broken collar bone that turned out to be broken
• Bicycle crashes
• A swimming pool – and the squirrel that drowned in it (bleah)
• Haircuts – self inflicted
• Haircuts – professionally inflicted
• Haircuts – exactly what they asked for and now HATE
• Buzzcuts – mom inflicted
• Broken hearts; mean classmates; school changes; religious intolerance
• Pet deaths
• Granparent deaths
• Friend deaths
• Baseball games; tournaments; practices; pitching instruction; batting instruction; Softball games; tournaments; practices; pitching instruction; batting instruction; Swim meets; practices; Football games; practices; Sports in cold weather; hot weather; indoors (loud); outdoors (loud); cowbells from the team in Texas; kids with beards and possibly children of their own playing as 14 y/o in the World Series; Boys at swim meets ogling the well endowed swimmers; Girls at baseball games ogling the boys in tight pants; Grandma’s at football games yelling things like “kill em”, “go get that guy and put him on the ground”, “don’t take that crap, show him who’s boss”;
• Camping trips… nuff said
• Family trips… nuff said
• Bad hotel reservations; bad restaurants; (food poisoning); staying with relatives
• The time the boy farted so stinky I had tears running down my face and had to hang my head out the window – I was driving
• Lots of boy sleepovers (relatively easy actually)
• Lots of girl sleepovers (oh G-d, kill me now)
• The drive-in
• Car seats
• Diapers
• Potty Training
• All those other baby milestones…
I assure you, if I can teach them to walk, talk, eat, and shit in the toilet, there is hope for damn near anyone

And so much more…