Real Mom Award

Here... http://moosema.blogspot.com/2008/05/overheard-at-moose-house.html

For those that don't read this blog -- the mooseling is a male child!

I am so doing this!

I just read this post and I am in love with this idea -- only in my own twisted way!!!

I want a business card with a frazzled ass pic of me -- you know the early Christmas Morning oh crap breakfast is burning and we forgot the batteries for the gifts from Santa and I only got 1.5 hrs of sleep and I'm hungover from the eggnog last night -- that way when I hand out the cards, it won't matter how bad I look, it will be better than the card! I also want some smart ass content... rather than "LISA D---, Noah, Violet, Ruby, and Henry's Mom, with a picture of each of her kids in the corners, a fancy border, and her phone number and email address" -- I want MOMUMO, still yelling at S, D, & K about the same stuff in their teens that I was yelling about when they were 8 -- and then instead of pics of them, I think maybe pictures of their rooms. I also (as you will see if you read my comment to Baseballmom) want to put bullets on the back...

*"mother of a college student that still eats with her mouth open"
*"mother of the class smartass"
*"I do have two other children, that's why you don't always see me at dance/baseball/swimming/dr's appts"
*"no, I haven't seen that important memo, I'm sure it's in one of the backpacks and I will try to remember to ask tonight"
*"No I didn't get your telephone message, do you have my cell phone number?"

Please feel free to make other suggestions you think would be both amusing and accurate... I am so in love with this idea I can barely contain myself to get back to my "day job"!

Well I've been tagged...

Which does make for a built in entry -- at least in this case.

Here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people and post a comment to the person who tagged you once you’ve posted your three sentences.

My issue is that technically the nearest books are all reference materials, dictionary, french-english dictionary, thesaurus, MLA, Secretary's Handbook (never been a secretary, but this little gem is a rock ass reference when you need it!); and the user guide to a cell phone I don't even use anymore... there are however 4 other books on top of the hutch to my desk -- none of which I have actually read -- one I have attempted, but not finished, so I will choose it.

I hit a bookstore many years ago (I remember I still had multiple children in strollers!) that was going out of business -- and they were selling hardcover books of all sorts for like 50 cents!!! -- I bought boxes and boxes of books - brand new hardcover books, I bought childrens books, multiples of ones that would make great gifts -- I bought favorite authors, though to be fair, by the time I discovered this gem of a book sale, most of the modern fiction had been thoroughly picked through, and I bought interesting sounding books by authors I had never ever heard of... I also bought oodles of hardbound classics, some I had read many times, others that I had never read... and the last of the oddities that I bought were composer biographies -- which I donated, along with many other books, to the kid's school library. There are about 100 books in that library donated by me, is that not cool!... okay so here for your reading pleasure... Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy

Boldwood had drawn up on her left, within the room. Her singing was soft and rather tremulous at first, but it soon swelled to a steady clearness. Subsequent events caused one of the verses to be remembered for many months, and even years, by more than one of those who were gathered there:

'For his bride a soldier sought her,
And as winning tongue had he:
On the banks of Allan Water
None was gay as she!'

My children are required to read this book in High School, well I should say it WAS on the reading list at their school... I believe 9th grade(?) and my daughter had to read it, then someone wisely chose to replace it with something that is actually readable and my other two will never know the suffering they escaped. I must say, I did offer my daughter spark notes, as I just reminded myself (by blowing off an inch of dust and opening the tome), I have actually filled the inside of the book cover with small stickies covered with vocabulary notes because this book is so freaking difficult to muddle through -- Thank you Thomas Hardy for being considered fabulous only because no one can actually read your books peacefully... I do like Tess of the D'Urbervilles, and silly me, assumed I would enjoy anything by an author that could so deeply move me - argh!

For those who can't stand it... the other three books (and really they are up there purely for their nice looking covers this is not a good place for books) -- please let me know if you have read them, or the authors, as I would be curious to know if I should get excited about cracking them open soon...

Pretty Boy Floyd by Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana
The Kindness of Women by J.G. Ballard
Herbs and Apples by Helen Hooven Santmyer

(actually The Kindness of Women has always seemed like a title I should recognize and know, but I don't)

Okay so I must tag FIVE people -- (I don't actually think I have 5 readers anymore, because I took such a long break, but...) Baseballmom, Never a Dull Moment, Jenny HaHa, Doncast (because I'm sure whatever he has near his computer is bound to be unique and fascinating), and Tales from My Tiny Kingdom... y'all have been tagged!

Off to thank Moosema for tagging me!

I always hated stumbling over blocks in the dark!

I had said I would write (emphasis on actually writing) more blogs. As soon as that happened, material didn’t actually fail to materialize, but my ability to recognize it as material seemed to fail me. I am often appreciated because my blog is “funny” – so of course with the pressure on to produce funny and the blinders on keeping me from seeing what is actually funny in my world right now I feel “blocked” – isn’t that awful! I’ve been sitting here off an on all morning fantasizing about suddenly remembering whatever it is that has happened this week that had me in stitches – I know I’ve been there, my kids are hilarious, my husband is very clever and witty – and frankly, I can pop off a few funnies myself… so what the hell, did we have grumpy week at our house or what? We have a new kitten; we certainly laugh at him a lot. We frequently say “oh that could win on America’s Funniest Home Videos”. I think we all have school is almost out burnout… Do people like Erma Bombeck and Theresa Bloomingdale just run to their computer in the middle of funny moments… okay well typewriter considering they both wrote actual books about being funny long before pc’s were commonplace. My older two kids have taken three AP tests between them in the last week, all three have had term papers and major English assignments due, the French teacher continues to drive us all batty with her racist remarks, her inappropriate sense of humor and her unusual idea of what represents helpful class work, I’ve had a bitch of an upper respiratory thing, hoarse voice, sore throat, silly ass cough that mostly manages to irritate my throat and make me occasionally pee myself – I’ve been delighted to go through 3 or 4 pairs of underwear per day – speaking of all that dirty laundry – the boy put a plastic tablecloth in the NEW (fancy schmancy wow I feel so spoiled) dryer and melted it all over the back of the dryer where it gets, ya know, HOT… so he’s been busy each day running an empty dryer (hey we are being green in other ways) and trying to peel off all the ooey plastic so that we can get back to drying clothes in there… I’m about to hang a load of panties on the clothesline where the entire neighborhood can see clear evidence of how enormous my ass has become since I quit smoking and working downtown where I at least walked a few blocks every day. The main problem with hanging a load of wash (aside from the whole neighbors thinking my panties are tents… is that the back yard hasn’t been “spring cleaned” yet and the lines are dirty, the path to the clothes line is overgrown with new spring stuff and littered under that (where you surely can’t see it) with the crap that blew in, fell off the trees, got dragged around by the dogs, etc. over the winter – and you know I will step on that crap barefooted if I venture out to the clothes line. There is also the issue of my son using the clothesline to attach his pitching target and that damn thing is taking up one whole line and has been out there all winter getting dusty and nasty – I certainly don’t want my frillies blowing anywhere near that! Oh yeah and the tablecloth – one of my favorite cheery spring ones that makes the kitchen look all pleasant and happy and keeps my kitchen table from being abused by those same children that can’t seem to (in high school, um yeah he’s the one that took the AP Chemistry test???) realize that plastic will melt in an appliance that heats up… I’m really starting to doubt how well he did on that test that I paid 80 bucks for him to take. The youngest is still on that moving like a little old lady pace for everything… this morning she wrote a lunch check for herself – it really took like 5 minutes – to write a $15 check, she didn’t even have to sign it… I was expecting fabulous calligraphy when she brought it to me for signature… nope just regular handwriting, very legible, but none the less, not really special. The oldest is more snuggly than usual, but also feels that I’m not taking enough interest in her life… what the hell, how does she get that, I talk to people every day about how freaked out I am to have a kid graduating from High School, I tell her that we can’t go get a graduation dress that particular day, and I address two or three more announcements that we hadn’t yet sent… I really haven’t been that interested in her school day or her work stuff. The work stuff just seems extraneous with all this other going on right now, and every time I ask her about school she reminds me that she only has 6 days left (or some smaller awful number) and that’s about all she has to say. Maybe I should make a giant sign that has the days on it for her this afternoon. She can peel them off each morning just to make me all teary-eyed and melancholy. Well now my boss has just called and reminded me of a deadline (today) that she gave me yesterday that I totally spaced when I got here this morning… this means my lunchtime blogging is done for today… maybe I will be inspired later by some amazing moment!

copycatting moosema's list

1. I like chocolate chip cookie dough better than the actual cookie.
2. It freaks most of my friends out to find out I am a Republican
3. I remember when Bob Barker had black hair.
4. I have had nearly every pet imaginable, I am a dog person
5. Our house does not have air conditioning.
6. I prefer Coors Original to all other beer – I do not typically like beer snob beer
7. I am a 6th generation native
8. I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters
9. I consider myself a very spiritual person, but not a religious one.
10. I have a very hard time making small talk.
11. I let my children watch movies that others would consider inappropriate.
12. I have the straightest freakin hair on the planet, I can’t keep it curly longer than about ten minutes (this includes with a perm!)
13. I look great in hats
14. I had a job one summer test-driving cars!
15. I got my braces off the day before my Senior Prom
16. I take the hottest showers imaginable
17. My favorite shampoo is baby shampoo
18. I don't like wearing sunscreen.
19. I know all the words to "American Pie"
20. I refuse to shop at Walmart.
21. I love asparagus.
22. I think Mel Gibson is gay and in denial.
23. I had four bridesmaids in my wedding, with 4 groomsmen, 2 candlelighters, 2 flower girls, 2 ring bearers, and 4 ushers
24. My grandmother taught me things about sex and life that most people never get to learn!
25. I almost never use the mouse – I am a keystroke person (I could never be happy on a Mac for this reason)
26. I hate my new cellphone and will probably stick my simcard back in the old one as soon as I find it
27. My mothers photo developer told her to never allow me to touch a camera again
28. I miss Wild Wild West with Robert Conrad in those fabulously sexy blue pants
29. I drink a lot of coffee.
30. I've never used a vibrator.
31. I prefer RC
32. I had a minivan
33. – I pretended it was a “magic bus” and refused to admit that I drove a minivan
34. I detest the font "Times New Roman"
35. And "Courier"
36. I believe in ghosts.
37. I sometimes wear men’s underwear
38. I frequently let the F-bomb fly in front of my children (and my parents)
39. I would consider becoming a lesbian if Halle Berry asked me to.
40. I was in music in high school.
41. I play the flute and piccolo well, I have also played the oboe and drums (not well)
42. I don’t downhill ski – I do cross country ski
43. I collect old fashioned glass juicers and dictionaries
44. I left my Christmas Tree up until March this year
45. My husband has excused himself after I belch since we were dating!
46. I adore Maker’s Mark Bourbon
47. I broke my back when I was 17
48. Sometimes I prefer cheap wine (particularly chianti)
49. Two of my brothers have had children with the same woman
50. I get an almost uncontrollable urge to spend money when I am deadass broke
51. I'm not a picky eater.
52. My oldest daughter is going to be a freshman at the Univ. of Wyoming next year.
53. My son can do complicated math in his head but cannot figure out simple directions like “bring me that pink piece of paper on the desk”
54. I almost bit my husband during childbirth
55. I cried when my youngest daughter weaned herself
56. I miscarried the day after my husband’s vasectomy
57. I sell fruit all summer
58. Baby, I've got back! In other words, I have a big butt and I cannot lie.
59. My brother wants “Locomotive Breath” played at his funeral
60. I cried when Pope John Paul II died – even though I am not Catholic
61. I love Rocky Mountain Oysters
62. I've been to the real South Park
63. I've been to Disneyland but I don’t remember it
64. I’m not a big chocolate person
65. I have a lot of strange superstitions
66. I can scan through the radio and sing all or most of the lyrics to whatever song it lands on – regardless of genre
67. I used to use Big Chief tablets for my journals until they stopped making them
68. I can sing La Marseillaise (French National Anthem)
69. I have a Vose & Sons upright piano that was built in ???
70. My children are 15 months apart
71. I've read all seven Harry Potter books
72. I saw Pavarotti in concert, it was disappointing
73. My first concert was Barry Manilow – who I didn’t like until after I saw him live – the concert was awesome
74. I have such bad motion sickness that I can't even swing without having to take a dramamine.
75. I can’t sit still long enough for most of the podcasts that I have tried
76. I have watched Days of Our Lives since approximately 1977
77. I make such good meatloaf that I actually make it for special meals
78. I can’t cut straight with scissors
79. I record Jeopardy every day so that I can watch back to back episodes and compete against my family
80. I talk in my sleep – A LOT
81. I can’t actually communicate in Spanish anymore as I never use it, but I still occasionally dream in Spanish and when I wake up I can watch Spanish television and pick up almost all of it
82. I had dreams about Mike Meyers (Wayne’s World) while I was pregnant with my oldest daughter
83. I can perform lots of car repairs (on older models w/o all the electrical blah blah)
84. I gut fish with scissors
85. I own a rifle
86. I won riflery competitions when I was younger
87. I would never hunt, I just like shooting at targets
88. I wore cowboy boots with my wedding dress (but only during the reception)
89. I love steak but won’t order it at restaurants, and I hate most steakhouses
90. I own more books than I have room to put on shelves, I have at least one hundred books in boxes in the basement
91. I have crocus planted in my lawn – I get very excited when they are the first thing blooming in my yard
92. I prefer line-dried laundry
93. I used cloth diapers with all three kids, the entire time (except for overnight with the boy – he apparently could pee 14 gallons at night)
94. My husband washed and folded every diaper for all those years
95. My parents have both raced cars
96. I survived an Atlantic Ocean Storm with 12-15 foot swells in a 8’ open hull fishing boat
97. I didn’t realize how dangerous it was and actually thought it was sort of fun
98. I once went camping with no shoes
99. My first flute was stolen in Spain, I cried for days and days
100. The sun setting over the Rockies is my favorite moment/sight in all the world

Lots of Ideas for Posts…

Trouble making time! My friend Moosema has a great post about 100 random things about her – she and I have more in common than I would have thought—or maybe I should say that some of the things we have in common surprised me. Never a Dull Moment has a post about 5 silly things to do to waste time (or something like that) – they are all those funky fun quizzes that all the kids are putting on their myspace / facebook sites – I didn’t post it here but apparently (no shock to the people who know IRL), I’m a potty mouth. The average blog is something like 9% profane and I’m like 47% or some huge ass number. Then this morning on my way into work – I saw the funniest thing, well funny to me – but couldn’t exactly stop in the rain on the highway with kitten in lap to take a picture for ya’ll – so I will try to paint it with words. I’m driving down the highway, which because I live so close to my office, I am only on for a matter of a few miles – usually less than two minutes? Anyhow, it’s raining this morning, not all that common in Denver actually – we are a high desert, but rain is not so uncommon that we are all thrown into a tither and can’t drive. And it’s not like it was raining super hard, I had my wipers on the low speed. But with the rain, that means the dogs didn’t really want to hang outside all day, and my poor old dog that just won’t gain weight regardless of what fattening ridiculous food we give him doesn’t seem to even have the ability to stay warm (he probably does, but you know how we people are, we can’t imagine that they aren’t soft fluffy comfy all the time). So I agreed to take the new kitten to work with me so the husband could have the dogs in the house with him. Kitten is still new and the dogs and the kitten aren’t quite ready to have unlimited, unsupervised access to each other. Kitten is pretty good in car, but only if I’m holding him on my lap (yes I always bitch when I see someone driving down the road with their little lap dog in their lap and I think ‘oh yeah that’s safe’). Anyhow, its raining, kitten is in my lap, but requires my hand holding him there to restrain him there – So I’m driving down the highway, kitten in lap, and some jackass is going really slowly in a big truck in front of me, but the left lane is moving really fast and I don’t have much time to pass so I just wandered down the highway behind the jackass – and as I’m driving along I notice a bunch of debris on the shoulder. As I look closely it’s pieces of broom – or maybe even several brooms – pieces of the broom bristles and pieces of broomstick all over the shoulder… small pieces, but large enough to identify – and a hat. That’s it just pieces of broom and a hat. Well I giggled my butt off cuz I imagined this witch flying along in the early morning fog/rain and having some hideous accident that caused her broom to explode and she disintegrated in the wetness (you know, think back to the Wizard of Oz – “who’d have thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness” – I really love that line) leaving behind only her hat and pieces of her broom. I just had a long telephone conversation with my dad – very weird that. I get along great with my dad, but he just doesn’t strike me as a telephone person. Let alone that I found out he was driving out to Henderson – which means I-76 and Highway 85, both lousy traffic in best weather – so we had this long cell phone conversation – it was nice. I had some other stuff, but I feel like I had better get at my work now.

I HAVE GOT TO GET ME SOME OF THOSE SHOES -- WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR MELTED WITCH IMAGES I RAN ACROSS THOSE AND I LOVE THEM