Love Songs are BS

An email to a friend (discussing her ‘party shuffle’ on her iTunes), and then some more….

I am pathetically a radio junkie - I need the radio to turn me on to new music - and I love listening to certain DJ's - I haven't even had a CD player in my last three cars. To be fair three cars ago, I was more interested in what sort of vehicle I could afford that would accommodate three car seats and I was glad to have a radio to drown out the whining from the backseats. I do have a tape player for road trips and days when you just can't listen to one more dick-joke, whiney-ass-fix-my-marriage-by-writing-an-email-to-the-morning-show, we're-so-hysterical, we're-so-smart, we're-so-irreverant moronic moment. However, last time I took a road trip completely alone it was to Casper Wyoming and I forgot my tapes at home and had to actually truthfully listen to the farm report - and even that got lost for a few miles and I had nothing but me! I learned a lot about some disease that cattle were suffering from. And I still hate ballads - I should maybe blog about that since I'm obviously in a typing mood.

So I hate ballads, I really really hate ballads – that does not mean that I haven’t swayed gently in my husbands arms looking sweetly into his eyes, maybe even tearing up at the overwhelming feelings of love that I had for him at that moment and listening to some ballad that makes me even more verklempt (it is the best word here). There are ballads that I love – but they are very few and very far between – amazingly I can think of two albums that have two ballads each that I love (Dire Straits and Neil Young). I LOVE the scan button, it prevents me from having to listen to sappy stupid tired love songs that are almost all bullshit. That’s right, love songs are bullshit – love does NOT happen the way it happens in love songs, oh sure it might happen that way in tenth grade for five minutes, maybe even 5 days – but the reality is, real true love, real honest love, does not come packaged with all that sappy sentiment and goopy crap – A. Men aren’t actually capable of a lot of the stupid shit they say they are in love songs – oh sure they might fake you out for a day or two – but they are eventually going to leave their underwear on the floor, fart while you are in the room, (maybe even while your nose is within 3 feet of their asshole), sleep through something you are saying to them, or tell you that they must watch golf on t.v. because it’s the masters or the open or some shit like that – and at those moments, they are not thinking, “I love her so much and I can’t live without her smile every morning”. B. Women aren’t actually that shallow and dumb that “I can’t live without your smile every morning” is enough. We need you to kill the spiders, change the lightbulbs, take out the trash, get up in the middle of the night and prowl around the house in your underwear (or less) looking for the pack of burglars that caused that “noise”. I’m actually having trouble making my point here, because I NEVER listen to ballads – so I can’t remember what the stupid pathetic lyrics are that make me so insane. I may have to actually put on KOSI (yes that’s pronounced ‘cozy’ and they do play sappy elevator shit that you know all the lyrics to, even if you never listen to ballads) – that’s the other thing… HOW do I know the words, HOW???? And while we are at it, the best, make you cry in your beer, make you feel profound sorrow and deep love song EVER (and I don’t do EVER, ALWAYS, NEVER, FAVORITE – and I can’t think of the term for those sorts of words) – ‘He Stopped Loving Her Today’ – just rip my heart out with a broken beer bottle, stomp on it with your dirty acme boots, throw your resistol down on top of the withering pile that is left of it and then sweep me off my barstool and have your way with me cuz I’m a puddle of pathetic sentimental goo. Also along those lines ‘Country Bumpkin’ – ridiculous, silly, sad, and so honest it’s agony. Honest love songs/ballads are about pain and sorrow in addition to love.

Biggest crap song I could think of at the moment: (Amazed by Lonestar)
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

Now maybe the first time you read through that (or heard it) you are thinking oh that is wonderful that’s just how I felt about the most important person I’ve ever been with – but please… if you really love someone ‘every little thing you do’ is not wonderful – cuz… they are going to talk in the middle of the dialogue of your favorite show, they are going to pick their teeth in the car, they are going to shit with the bathroom door open… these are not things that anyone loves about another person… ‘it feels like the first time every time’ obviously they are up to fewer than 50 times, because eventually, it doesn’t feel like the first time – it feels better sometimes and you are blown away, it feels naughtier (and you are either blown away or grossed out depending on your mood), it feels cheaper, quicker, slower, longer, more boring, more outstanding, incredible, obligatory, etc. – and I’m here to tell you right now, when you aren’t in the mood, cuz he farted in the car on the way home from a dinner at your inlaws where you felt less than adequate and you are feeling fat and a little bit overwhelmed by all the crap that isn’t done around the house and you are obligated cuz it’s freakin his birthday, and you do it anyhow… THAT’S LOVE! (and it might just turn out better than you are expecting). ‘every time our eyes meet…’ – I’m thinking they have not had any fights about the kids/money/etc. – because I know for a fact that my husband does not enjoy looking in my eyes when we are arguing. So, in conclusion… love songs are bullshit – except for maybe a few (and even those are part bullshit, but after all you have to have something to slow dance to, and… no matter how much you like the song, you can’t slow dance at your wedding to a song about a hooker, but you can pick another beautiful song off of the same album – one about love and happiness and sorrow and misery).

Dire Straits “Why Worry"
Baby I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say
But baby I'll wipe away those bitter tears
I'll chase away those restless fears
That turn your blue skies into grey
Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now
Baby when I get down I turn to you
And you make sense of what I do
I know it isn't hard to say
But baby just when this world seems mean and cold
Our love comes shining red and gold
And all the rest is by the way
Why worry, there should be laughter after pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now

I don’t know how love comes shining red and gold, but I know this song is good and honest and not so damn sappy that I want to slap someone, and it has never been played on the radio to the point where I fantasized blowing something up.